


Need a Vacation

by Electra_XT



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Case Fic, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Sharing a Bed, Sibling Incest, Vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:21:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24239452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Electra_XT/pseuds/Electra_XT
Summary: “You ready for a relaxing weekend at the beach?” Diego said.“Thrilled,” Five said, looking down at the map in his hands. “A relaxing weekend of hunting down a hired killer and pretending I’m dating my brother.”
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Diego Hargreeves
Comments: 109
Kudos: 478





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Mystery! Romance! Intrigue! Delaware! …this fic is a shameless excuse to pretend it’s a normal summer.
> 
> As always, Five is aged up to his 20s. 
> 
> Title from Essie nail color #544.

“So,” Diego said, looking out at the road. “Let’s review the events of the past two hours.”

“Do we have to?” Five said from the passenger seat.

Diego ignored him. “2:00 PM. It’s Friday, I get off work early. I go out grocery shopping.”

“This is where you’re starting?” Five said.

“2:45 PM, I come home,” Diego said. “And I find my brother Five sitting on my bed with a packed suitcase.”

Five sighed.

 _“Get out of my house,_ I tell my brother Five,” Diego said. _“This is breaking and entering,_ I tell my brother Five.”

“I didn’t break in anywhere,” Five said primly.

 _“Teleporting counts as breaking and entering,_ I tell my brother Five,” Diego said. Five opened his mouth. _“Why are you here,_ I ask my brother Five, and he says, _we have to go to Rehoboth Beach this weekend, leaving tonight, just you and me.”_

“Forgive me for thinking you might want to go on a mission,” Five said, flipping through the manila folder of papers on his lap. “It’s not as if you do much else.”

“You buried the lede,” Diego said.

“I told you eventually,” Five said. “We’re going on a mission. I need you to drive. That’s enough information.” 

“Yeah, nah,” Diego said. 

Five clicked his tongue.

Diego bit his lip. The truth was, he didn’t mind going with Five. He could afford to drop his weekend plans and drive a couple hours down to Delaware, even if he didn’t know why. But the idea of condescension rankled.

“Why me?” he said.

“Hm?” Five said.

“Why did you ask me to come with you?” Diego said.

“Christ, why the interrogation?” Five said. He leaned back in his seat. “It’s not enough to pity the idea of my poor brother alone in his boiler room for the weekend with nothing to do?”

Diego threw him a look.

Five sighed. “It’s genuinely important, and you’re the only one I can count on to be all in.”

Diego flexed his hand. “It better be important. I don’t want you taking me out just to…”

“I don’t pity you,” Five said.

“You better not,” Diego said.

“I said I didn’t,” Five said.

Diego worked his jaw. Fair enough. “So what’s it for, then? I thought we fixed the apocalypse.”

“We did,” Five said. 

Talking to him was like pulling teeth. “And…?”

“That doesn’t mean we’re done.”

“Wait, wait,” Diego said. He looked over his shoulder, changing lanes. “There’s something worse than the apocalypse?”

Five sat back in his seat. “Define _worse.”_

“Yeah, define _worse than the world exploding,_ that’s the part I’m confused about too,” Diego said.

“Christ, this is hard to explain,” Five said. “The apocalypse itself is taken care of. But the conditions that engineered it aren’t.”

“That Handler lady,” Diego said.

“Dead,” Five said. A strange expression passed over his face— somewhere between disgust and mourning. 

As soon as he caught Diego looking at him, Five’s face went flat.

Diego looked away. “They had a whole time travel schtick, right? Briefcases or something?”

“Right,” Five said. “Which I destroyed.”

Diego raised his eyebrows. “So what are you not telling me?”

“What?” Five said.

“If the Handler’s gone, and the apocalypse is done with, and you destroyed all the briefcases, there’s something going on,” Diego said. “You’re building to a dramatic conclusion, you want me to ask the right questions to nudge me along.”

Five smiled a little, down at his lap.

“Can I opt out of this?” Diego said. “I didn’t sign up to be your— I don’t know, the Vanna White to your Pat Sajak? The Officer Buckle to your Gloria?”

“Excuse me?” Five said.

“Never mind,” Diego said. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “So, Five. What’s the deal?”

“How much do you know about fungi?” Five said, looking down at his papers. He picked out one and held it delicately in his teeth as he rifled through the folder.

“Some of them are good on pizza and some of them kill you,” Diego said. “You think I listened to the records Dad played over dinner? Foraging in a boreal forest or whatever?”

“The world’s largest living organism is a fungus,” Five said, taking the paper out of his mouth. “ _Armillaria ostoyae._ Covers about four square miles of the Malheur Natural Forest in Oregon.”

“And you are telling me this why,” Diego said.

“If you were hiking in the Malheur Natural Forest, you would not see a massive fungus spread over the ground,” Five said. “You would see mushrooms.”

“Uh huh,” Diego said.

“The structure of the organism exists below the ground,” Five said. “ _Armillaria ostoyae_ spreads roots for miles under the ground, spreading over acres of land. Any separate mushroom of the type you saw would actually be a branch of the same creature.”

“So the Handler was one mushroom,” Diego said slowly.

“And Hazel and Cha Cha were two smaller mushrooms,” Five said, nodding.

“So we rip out the roots?”

Five made a noncommittal noise. “There’s not much you can do about the largest living organism on Earth. We can pat ourselves on the back for ripping out one mushroom, two mushrooms, three— and we can be relieved that we averted the Apocalypse from happening, I’m not going to downplay that. But no matter what we do, the Commission has laid its roots under the fabric of space and time, and it’s up to us to follow them and mitigate their alterations as best we can. We need to correct their corrections.” He held up his fingers in air quotes. “‘Corrections.’”

“I take it they correct things for the worse?” Diego said.

“Their timeline includes more casualties than there need to be.”

Diego tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “Because they’re hardasses who won’t contradict the blueprint?”

Five gave a short laugh. “Yeah.”

“Who made the blueprint, though?”

“It’s best not to ask that,” Five said.

“Wait,” Diego said. “Is it… God?”

“Of course it’s not _God,_ Diego,” Five said, turning to him. “What kind of sentimental— they’re assassins, not prophets. Do you really think the Handler would answer to a higher power?”

“It was a fair guess,” Diego said.

“It wasn’t,” Five said. “It was a stupid guess.”

“Things can be both stupid and fair,” Diego said. “Also, Marty McFly, some of us aren’t as used to the idea of time travel as you are. Everything seems a little mystical.”

“Who’s Marty McFly?” Five said.

“Oh, man,” Diego said, grinning. “I love it when you don’t get my references.”

“Did Marty McFly talk to God?” Five said.

“It’s like a delicacy,” Diego said. “In order, best to worst: Five not knowing something, caviar, truffles—”

“There’s a Commission agent operating in Rehoboth Beach who’s going to murder five people in the next two weeks,” Five said, talking over him.

There was a silence.

“Christ,” Diego said.

“According to the Commission, a killer should murder eleven people between July and August of this year,” Five said, flipping through his files. “Six have already been killed. At the current moment, tensions are high. Security measures are being raised. The fears lead to erratic behavior, which lead to the young couple Christopher Baker and Pamela Martinez to get into an argument on their honeymoon. Pamela thinks they need to be careful; Christopher was already feeling jittery because he had regrets about the marriage and he’s trying to cover that up with bluster. He’ll coax her into going out onto the boardwalk for an evening stroll, but it’s tense. Eventually, Pamela will stop Christopher, and they’ll have a serious conversation out on the main strip of the boardwalk. The sun has set, and it’s crowded. Pamela’s wallet is hanging out of the back pocket of her shorts, and a pickpocket will notice. He’ll take advantage of their heated discussion, the low light, and the volume of people, and he’ll brush up against her and snag it from her pocket. Pamela won’t think anything of it— she’s distracted and hurt because her new husband won’t listen to her, and they’re standing out in the open where anyone could bump into them. The pickpocket will think he’s gotten away with it, but Katrina Charlton, a closeted lesbian waitress taking her smoke break, will have been looking at Pamela’s ass in those shorts for the duration of the conversation. She’ll see the pickpocket and run to stop him. She’ll catch him and report him to the police. The police will arrest him. The killer will hear about this this and decide that the increased diligence of the police doesn’t make it worth the while to stay and continue to carry out the murders, so he flees that night.”

Diego processed this.

Then he looked over at Five. “Isn’t that a good thing? Fewer people die?”

“Not for the Commission,” Five said. “They need the killer to stay, because it’s in their ideal timeline. _Que sera sera.”_ His lips quirked. “This case is small, but it stumped them. They keep trying to come back and arrange it so that the killer doesn’t leave, but no matter what scenario they engineer… he always decides to go home. My coworkers tore their hair out over it. Eventually they realized the Handler would take interest if they kept failing, and they dispatched an agent to the field to carry out the rest of the murders by hand, which covered up the gaffe.”

“The fuck,” Diego said.

Five rubbed his hand over his face. “Diego, you need to get used to the fact that the Commission kills people.”

“I know,” Diego said. “But that’s fucked up.”

“When they have a mission, they perform it meticulously, brutally, and without remorse,” Five said. “The timeline gets followed to the letter. No deviations are allowed, even the ones that save human lives.”

“I don’t get it,” Diego said.

Five raised his eyebrows. “What is there not to get?”

“I cannot understand why they’re coming in to change something that’s naturally happening,” Diego said.

Five sighed. “Because it doesn’t follow their rules. As you put it… they’re hardasses who won’t contradict the blueprint.”

Diego chewed on the inside of his cheek. If they’d had this conversation once, they’d had it a hundred times. Every conversation with Five revealed a sliver of a vast network of a world that Diego hadn’t even realized was there. Diego would try to get it, but it was pointless— Five’s mind worked in dimensions he couldn’t even dream of.

“Fine,” he said, finally. “But why are we intervening now?”

“Because we can,” Five said.

“No, I mean _now,”_ Diego said. “Why can’t we grab the killer before he even starts murdering anyone?”

“Because if he doesn’t kill the first six people, worse things happen,” Five said. “I’ve done the math. At the Commission, I spent years perfecting my work in chaos theory and the butterfly effect— I’ve analyzed representative samples of infinite possible futures, and I know that if we fix that one tragedy, the chain events that would spiral from the alteration could be catastrophically worse.”

“It could also be better,” Diego said.

“Would you rather save six individuals in Rehoboth Beach or prevent an entire water treatment plant in Nairobi from being contaminated and poisoned?” Five said, turning to him.

Diego’s stomach plunged.

Five’s voice softened. “There are more dimensions than you know, Diego. But you have to trust me. I’ve run the calculations.”

“Sure,” Diego said.

“I know more than you,” Five said.

“I said okay,” Diego said. “You don’t have to—”

“My bad,” Five said. He looked out the window.

Diego worked his jaw. “You think I’m sheltered.”

“In some ways,” Five said.

Diego grimaced.

“But I’m extraordinarily _un-_ sheltered,” Five said, “and I know that.”

“You grew up in the Apocalypse,” Diego said. “We get it.”

“More like I’ve peeled back the veil of time and space and seen infinite branches of possible pasts and futures,” Five said. He ran a hand through his hair. “It’s rare to find a Commission agent stationed somewhere for a sustained period of time. Most missions are in and out; the Rehoboth Beach fix is notoriously messy.” He smiled. “As mushrooms go, this one’s easier to pull out.”

“Nice metaphor,” Diego said.

Five shrugged. “It’s easier than boring you with the math.”

Diego smiled out at the road. The sun was beginning to set, bathing the highway in an orange glow. He hoped they’d get to their hotel by sunset. “At least the giant fungus in that forest isn’t trying to cause the Apocalypse, huh?”

“It actually latches onto roots and leeches their nutrients, killing thousands of trees,” Five said.

“Has anyone ever told you you’re a downer to talk to?” Diego said. 

“Klaus makes it his duty to remind me,” Five said. “He keeps asking me _how I’m doing._ I don’t know what he expects me to say.”

Diego side-eyed him.

Five cleared his throat. “Anyway. The Commission’s here to stay, and so is the fungus in Oregon.”

“I am never going to Oregon now,” Diego said, switching on the headlights.

“Smart choice,” Five said absently, looking back down at the papers. “What with the earthquake and everything.”

“The _earthquake?_ ” Diego said, turning his head so fast his neck clicked.

Five looked up, eyes wide. “Has that not…?”

 _“Five,”_ Diego said.

“Never mind,” Five said quickly. “Ignore it. Just drive.”

“Downer,” Diego said under his breath, looking out at the road.

“When’s our next exit?” Five said.

Diego squinted out at a sign. “Soon. Soon-ish.”

Five sighed.

“Don’t say are we there yet,” Diego said.

“I wasn’t going to,” Five said innocently.

Diego grinned. “What’s the hotel we’re staying at again?”

“We don’t have a hotel,” Five said.

Diego raised his eyebrows, turning to him. “You—”

“Booking a particular hotel room would defeat the point,” Five said. He reached into the bag at his feet and pulled out an object about the size of a TV remote. It was decorated with a spectrum of colored lights, one of which was blinking slowly, lighting Five’s hand up green. “We need to drive around until this goes off.”

“And what the hell is that?” Diego said, pulling off the highway onto an exit.

“EMF reader,” Five said.

“Which is what,” Diego said.

“Electromagnetic frequency reader,” Five said, enunciating deliberately.

Diego flexed his hand on the steering wheel. It stung to be the dumb one. “Cool.”

“People use these to hunt for ghosts,” Five said, turning the reader over in his hands.

“If you wanted to hunt for ghosts, you should have brought Klaus.”

Five gave a short laugh. “If Klaus and I had to spend a weekend alone in a beach hotel together, I would kill him.”

“Or he would kill you.”

“He couldn’t kill me.”

Diego paused, then nodded. He settled back in his seat, adjusting his foot on the gas. “So I’m the only one you could stand spending a couple days with?”

“Try the only one who still cares about ‘fighting crime,’” Five said.

“I don’t know if I should be offended by that,” Diego said.

“It depends how much internalized shame you have,” Five said.

Diego glanced at him. Five could be truly unreadable when he wanted to be.

“I don’t believe in energy or magic,” Five said, looking down at the EMF reader in his hands. “It’s bullshit. Everything people attribute to energy can be explained by thin slicing, or by unconscious bias. And magic is either convenient physics or coincidence.”

“I’m getting sick of having to go _why why why_ whenever you say anything to me,” Diego said.

“So don’t go _why why why,”_ Five said.

“So make more sense,” Diego said.

“So be smarter,” Five said.

Diego bared his teeth.

There was a brief silence.

“Sorry,” Five said.

“Whatever,” Diego said. They were fully off the highway now, and hotels and restaurants were beginning to pass them by. The quality of the landscape was changing, transforming from nothing to something, from mundane to vacation.

“I shouldn’t talk down to you,” Five said.

Diego wasn’t sure why Five’s words curdled in his gut. Given how sweet it usually sounded when Five made a mistake, he should be crowing. But Five’s pity…

“Just be better,” Diego said. He looked down at the EMF reader, blinking red in Five’s hands. “So that thing is supposed to pick on something that isn’t magic.”

Five smiled. “Yeah.”

“But it’s enough like magic that you felt like you had to lecture me about it,” Diego said.

Five made a face. “More that people _think_ it’s magic.”

“You’re trying to pick up on some kind of energy field,” Diego said, “but you don’t want me to think you’re a New Age hippie who’s just checking for _vibes, man.”_

“Exactly,” Five said. “Commission agents rely on briefcases to create temporal anomalies and exploit them.”

“They open up time portals and crawl through them like ceiling vents,” Diego said.

“Nobody actually crawls through ceiling vents in real life,” Five said. “That only happens in movies.”

“Speak for yourself,” Diego muttered.

“Hm?” Five said.

Diego cleared his throat. “So the time portals give off energy?”

“A particularly distinctive electromagnetic field,” Five said. “Look.” He held the reader on one hand and made a fist with the other, summoning a blue haze of light around his hand.

Diego looked over. Five could deny magic all he wanted, but the way the light wavered around his knuckles, distorting the air like steam over a kettle…

“Watch,” Five said. His hand was shaking. He tipped his head down to the EMF reader. The lights were blinking green, then yellow, then orange, the needle trembling, and Five’s fist clenched. The blue warp glowed brighter, brighter— and the EMF reader lit up wildly with red lights.

Five dropped his hand and the warp disappeared.

“Jesus,” Diego said, looking back at the road. “Looks like the real temporal anomaly was the friends we made along the way.”

“That’s what it’s going to look like,” Five said. He shook out his hand, cracking his knuckles. “When we get close enough to the briefcase to pick up the field.”

“Whoa, whoa,” Diego said. “I’ve got questions. And not just the fun kind that leads you into lecturing me.”

Five sighed.

“I thought you destroyed all the briefcases,” Diego said. “How do the Commission agents still have them?”

“I destroyed the stash at HQ,” Five said. “I didn’t destroy all the ones still in rotation.”

Diego nodded. “All right.”

“You said questions, plural,” Five said, looking out the window.

“Right,” Diego said. “How the fuck are we gonna get close enough to pick up the briefcase?”

“We don’t need to be right next to it,” Five said. He tossed the EMF reader in the backseat and clenched his fist, creating the warp again. Diego tilted the rearview mirror down, looking in the back. The side of his duffle bag was lit up blinking red.

“Sure,” he said. “I meant, how are we going to get within ten feet of it?”

Five warped into the backseat for the reader and warped back. “We don’t need to be within ten feet of it. When I—” He mimed clenching his fist. “— the temporal anomaly I create is much smaller. The amount of power I possess isn’t enough to transport more than one person through at once.”

Standing in the Icarus theater, his sweaty palm in Five’s. The loose circle they made on the stage. The heat of the room, the burning smell, the power out and the roof about to shatter— and then cool air, tumbling down into the courtyard of the Academy as intact adults.

As long as he lived, Diego would never forget the way Five crumpled to the ground afterwards, gray and shaking. 

Vanya had had to take care of him in her apartment for eight whole days before he woke up.

“Yeah,” Diego said quietly.

Five shifted in his seat.

Diego looked out at the road. “Must take a hell of a lot of power to make one big enough for more than that.”

“Yeah,” Five murmured. He turned the EMF reader over, studying it with a grave expression.

When he spoke, his voice was normal. “In order to operate, the briefcases induce an extremely strong and notably distinctive electromagnetic field at all times— the temporal anomaly, if you will. If you’re standing next to it, you won’t be able to feel it— it’s on a level that can’t be perceived by humans— but with this reader… we should be able to discern its location from a fair bit away. It won’t be exactly precise, but it should be enough.”

Diego looked down at the reader.

“If we drive around for long enough, we should be able to follow the reader until it goes red,” Five said.

“So we don’t know what hotel we need to stay at,” Diego said slowly.

“Precisely,” Five said, examining the reader.

“What if the agent’s not at a hotel?”

Five looked up. “If you were a Commission agent tasked to kill five people in two weeks in a beach town, where else would you stay?”

“Rent a house?” Diego said.

“It’s the peak season,” Five said.

“Rent an undesirable house?”

Five snorted. “Let me put it another way. If you were an overworked, exhausted employee trying to carry out a quick and dirty series of murders with your terrifying boss breathing down your neck, would you go to the bother of creating a fake identity to rent a house with, or would you slide some cash to a concierge?”

Diego inclined his head.

“I rest my case,” Five said. He settled back in his seat. “Keep driving.”

“If it’s the peak season, how are we supposed to find a hotel room?” Diego said.

Five dimpled up at him. “I’ve been told I can be very cute.”

Diego’s mouth went dry.

“Keep driving,” Five said.

“I’ve got another question,” Diego said. 

Five rubbed his knuckles against his eyes. It was a testament to how long they’d been talking shop about the Commission that even he was exhausted. “A necessary one?”

“Yeah,” Diego said. “What’s our cover story?”

“I don’t know,” Five said. “Brothers?”

“Is that some kind of passive-aggressive dig at our upbringing?” Diego said.

“No, but it would have been smart if it had been,” Five said. “I meant that we should pose as brothers.”

“Uh,” Diego said.

Five raised an eyebrow.

Diego coughed. “I don’t think you’re thinking this through, champ.”

“Christ, of course I don’t mean I’m going to pass as your biological brother,” Five said. “Adopted. Obviously.”

“I’m not posing as your adoptive brother,” Diego said.

There was a silence. Diego could just tell that Five was giving him a withering look. “Your plan sucks. I’m not going to coddle you.”

“But it’s the truth,” Five said. “You can’t say it’s not believable.”

“I’m not gonna put in the work of trying to get them to believe our cover,” Diego said. “The whole point of a cover’s that they believe it without question. It’s the spoonful of sugar.”

“You don’t need to explain covers to me,” Five said. 

“Clearly,” Diego said, “I do.”

“Need I remind you,” Five said, “that I’m the one who spent years at the Commission—”

“Stop bragging about how many people you’ve killed,” Diego said. “I’ll be impressed once you can actually behave on a mission with me.”

Five looked out the window.

Diego took one hand off the steering wheel and cracked his knuckles with his thumb. He felt a little bad for that one. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Five said.

“You’re gonna be good at the undercover game,” Diego said.

Five said nothing.

“For real,” Diego said. “I’m not just blowing smoke up your ass.”

“Trying to go undercover as brothers was genuinely a shit idea,” Five said, tipping his head over to look at Diego.

“That’s true,” Diego said.

Five snorted. “How diplomatic of you.”

“I never lie,” Diego said.

Five chewed on his lip. “I want a viable solution. Obviously mine wasn’t sufficient. If you have a better one—”

Diego bit his tongue between his teeth, looking straight ahead.

Five gave him a flat look. “You have something.”

“Do I?” Diego said, not looking at him.

“If you didn’t have anything, you’d be covering it up with bluster,” Five said. “Going on and on about how excellent a detective you were, or something of that ilk.”

“Who says _ilk?”_ Diego said.

“That’s exactly what I mean,” Five said. He kicked his legs up on the dashboard. “Now you’re nervous, now you’re blustering.”

“Watch me never say anything to you ever again,” Diego muttered.

“Sweet relief,” Five said.

Diego flipped him off.

Five sighed.

“You’re not gonna like it,” Diego said.

“Try me,” Five said.

“I’m saying up front, don’t blame me if you hate it,” Diego said.

_“Diego.”_

Diego looked out past the steering wheel. “We could pretend to be a couple.”

There was a silence.

“I fucking hate that,” Five said.

“See?” Diego said. “Five, I told you—”

“And we should do it,” Five interrupted, deeply pained.

Diego glanced over at him. “Say what now?”

“It makes the most sense,” Five said. His expression resembled that of a wet cat. “It’s a reason that two adults of the same external age who look visibly different from each other would book a lovely beach vacation getaway.”

“Right,” Diego said. “That’s the logic.” It was probably unsafe driving to look away from the road this much, but— Five was looking out the windshield, clearly stewing in his own feelings. “You’re sure you’re okay with this?”

“Positive,” Five said grimly.

Diego sighed. “You can’t complain about it if we do it, though.”

“Why not?” Five said. He scowled. “I can complain about whatever I want.”

“You can’t be a brat,” Diego said. “If you want— if we’re really doing the couple thing, at a certain point you gotta suck it up.”

Five sulked harder.

Diego grinned despite himself. “So you’re in?”

“I won’t not complain,” Five said.

“It gets worse,” Diego said.

“How the fuck can this get worse?” Five said.

“We need a cover story,” Diego said.

“We _have_ a cover story,” Five said, turning to Diego and looking at him like Diego was brain-dead. “You just came up with our cover story.”

“It needs details,” Diego said.

“Christ,” Five said.

“First,” Diego said, “what’s your name?”

He could hear the pause that meant Five had opened his mouth, ready with the ornery question of _why do I need a name?_ — and then the pause of Five realizing, and closing his mouth.

“James,” Five said finally.

Diego raised his eyebrows. “Sure. Why?”

“It was the first thing that came to mind,” Five said. “Do you need a fake name?”

“Nah,” Diego said.

“Diego,” Five said. “If I need a name, then you need a name.”

“Not the same,” Diego said. “I can hide in plain sight. Besides, the Commission agents don’t know too much about the Umbrella Academy, right? Those Hazel and Cha Cha psychos had to read Vanya’s book for it.”

“Right,” Five said. “Sure. You can be Diego. But what are we going to do about the…?” 

He held up his arm, showing him the umbrella tattoo.

Diego looked down at his wrist. “We got matching couple’s tattoos.”

“Bullshit,” Five said.

“Name one better idea,” Diego said.

The sound of Five realizing he was wrong in silence was music to Diego’s ears.

“Whatever, I’ll be your tacky boyfriend,” Five said. “But it’s a strange tattoo to get as a couple.”

“You need to learn to think romantic,” Diego said. He reached his hand over the console, taking Five’s fingers in his. “We got it symbolically, sweetheart. Because I always protect you, and you always protect me.”

Five flicked Diego right on the nerves in his knuckles.

Diego jerked his hand back. “Mother _fucker.”_

“Don’t make me pretend to be cute when no one’s looking,” Five said.

“So you’ll be cute when people are looking?” Diego said.

“I’ll be cute for the sake of saving lives,” Five said.

“Aww,” Diego said.

“I’m not above hijacking the car, Diego.”

Diego would have laughed if he thought it were a joke. “How did the two of us meet?” he said, squinting at the exit sign.

“School,” Five said.

“Five,” Diego said. “Work with me.”

“I am working with you,” Five said.

 _“School_ is not an answer,” Diego said. “College? High school? Elementary school?”

“I suppose _we knew each other since we were children_ would be too on-the-nose,” Five said.

“How about high school?” Diego said. “We were, uh, in a class together. And we… sat at desks.”

“Diego?” Five said.

Diego looked at him. “What?”

“Tell me exactly what you think happens in a normal high school,” Five said, a smile in his voice.

“Classes,” Diego said. “Sports. Are letter jackets a thing? I’ve only seen them in movies. How about yearbooks? You and I wrote in each other’s yearbooks, that’s how we met?”

“That’s not what happens in high school,” Five said.

“What do _you_ think happens in high school?” Diego said.

“People put plastic cups in chain link fences to spell messages,” Five said. “And there are gym classes where everyone runs around on the track outside. And sports, yes.”

“Let me rephrase,” Diego said. “What happens in high school that you couldn’t infer from looking at the outside of the building on a stakeout?”

“You know what? How about this,” Five said. “You and I met at a bar and hooked up.”

“Terrible,” Diego said immediately.

Five grinned. “Diego,” he said, deepening his voice to imitate him. “Work with me.”

Diego rolled his eyes. “It’s boring. No one wants to hear about our one-night stand that turned into a relationship.”

“Exactly,” Five said.

“Come again?” Diego said.

“Everybody’s a sucker for a meet-cute,” Five said. “Nobody wants to hear about two guys who meet at a bar. This way, if people ask us how we met, they won’t pry.”

“Huh,” Diego said.

“You bought me a drink and asked me to dance, and then you took me home,” Five said. “And then you gave me your number, and I texted you.”

“Well,” Diego said, “that’s pretty fucking boring.”

“We live in New York,” Five said. “You’re a martial arts instructor. I’m… a consultant.”

“What exactly do you consult on?” Diego said.

“Long-term, time-intensive projects,” Five said. He smiled, a flicker of an inside joke with himself. “Quality control.”

“Eesh,” Diego said.

“I’ll be fine,” Five said. “We’ve been together for… hm, three years.”

“Enough time to get creepy tattoos of each other,” Diego said.

“For, not of,” Five said. “And we’ve decided to whisk ourselves away for a dreamy beach vacation.” He batted his eyelashes.

In the fading light, Five’s eyes were dark, and his face was elegant. He always commanded dignity, but right now, sitting in the passenger seat, he seemed softer. Less guarded.

“What are you looking at?” Five said, narrowing his eyes.

Moment broken. “Nothing,” Diego said. “Thinking about how much you’ll suck at pretending to be my boyfriend.”

“I won’t suck,” Five said.

Diego resisted the _that’s what she said._ It wasn’t even a good one, anyway. “Yeah, you will. You’re too damn stilted. All guarded and weird. You’ll—”

Five reached his hand over the console and slipped his hand into Diego’s, twining their fingers together.

Diego’s breath caught. This was fake. Five’s skin was soft, and the sun was slipping almost all the way down in the sky, an orange eye blinking closed, the whole highway bluish with dusk. The air in the car was warm. They’d been driving for three and a half hours.

Diego let go of his hand.

“You ready for a relaxing weekend at the beach?” he said, looking out at the road.

“Thrilled,” Five said, looking down at the map in his lap. “A relaxing weekend of hunting down a hired assassin and pretending I’m dating my brother.”

Diego took the exit, swooping off the highway. Five’s thumb brushed against his hand, and Diego’s stomach felt like it was floating, his body suspended in the blue darkness. The highway rushed past, turning the scenery into stripes, and Diego felt himself unspooling, strung out and unreal, breath held, heart thumping.

Five’s breath hitched. 

Diego looked over. In Five’s hands, the EMF reader had started blinking yellow.

“Drive back down that street,” Five said, hovering on the edge of his seat.

The past forty minutes had been like this. Diego’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel by osmosis. Five was alive, electric, holding the EMF reader out in front of him like it was his remote control and the world was the TV, gesturing with it as Diego slowly drove up and down the streets. The lights on the reader glared orange, and Five’s eyes seemed just as bright.

His brother could be strangely enthralling at times.

“Take a right,” Five commanded. “No— a left.”

Diego switched on his turn signal. “You sure about this?”

“Nothing’s sure,” Five said. He was looking at his map by the orange light of the EMF reader, scanning for hotels. “Take the right, then a left. We’re aiming for the Atlantic Shore Inn.”

“Weird name,” Diego muttered, making the turn.

“It’s getting redder,” Five said, hitting his fist against his thigh. “Come on, come on, come on, _come on.”_

“I’m _going,”_ Diego said, flooring it on the next turn.

Diego pulled up in front of the hotel and shifted the car into park.

There was a moment of airless silence. Five was still vibrating in the passenger seat, clutching the blood-red EMF reader.

“You ready?” Diego said.

“Yes,” Five said instantly. “This has to be the place. It’s the only hotel on the street, the lights are _bright red—”_

“Not about the energy field,” Diego said. “About the… other part.”

Five’s brow creased, and then his face resolved itself into a mask. “Our little undercover scheme?”

“Yeah,” Diego said. He rubbed his jaw. “Look, if you’re not comfortable posing as my boyfriend…”

“Jesus, don’t coddle me,” Five said.

“I’m not,” Diego said. He reached for Five’s arm. “But— you’re sure you’re okay with this?”

Five ripped his arm away from him. “I’m not a child.”

“Yeah, we all know,” Diego said. “I’m not trying to condescend to you. I’m asking if you’re, uh, comfortable.”

Five gave Diego a look of deep, deep loathing.

“I’m trying to help,” Diego said.

“I don’t need your fucking help,” Five said. Everything that had been cute and menacing about him as a thirteen-year-old was genuinely intimidating now that he was restored to his twenties. It was like a kitten growing into a panther. “You think I can’t act like your boyfriend?”

“Uh,” Diego said. “What’s the polite answer here?”

Five gave him a deeply loathing look.

“Noted,” Diego said. “Look. It doesn’t have to be awkward. We won’t make it awkward. We’ll be fine.”

“We’re _fine,”_ Five said.

“We’re fine,” Diego repeated. Five reached out and took his hand, and Diego instinctively twined their fingers together. “We’re—”

_“Jesus,”_ Diego said, stumbling as Five warped them into a corner of the warmly-lit lobby of the hotel. “Are you crazy? We could be seen.”

“You were being sentimental,” Five said. “And I’m sure no one saw us.”

“I need to go back and pay the parking meter,” Diego said.

Five waved a dismissive hand. “We need a room.”

“We can need two things,” Diego said.

“No, we need a room,” Five said. He dragged Diego over to the concierge desk. “Hi. Room, please?”

“Can I help you?” the concierge said, stepping back a little.

“Yes,” Five said, leaning forward. Diego anchored his hand on Five’s arm, pulling him back to a safe distance. “We need a room.”

“I’m sorry, we’re fully booked,” the concierge said.

Five turned back, giving Diego a significant look.

Diego let go of Five’s arm, stepping forward. “For how long?”

“Excuse me?” the concierge said.

“How long have you been fully booked?” Diego said. He hooked his thumb in his belt, subtly feeling for a knife. Force of habit.

“Uh,” the concierge said. “It’s… the peak season, we’re usually—”

“What about the other person?” Diego interrupted.

Five grinned.

 _“Excuse_ me?” the concierge said, in a tone that expressed his abject desire for Diego and Five to be less weird.

“He means the other person who came in here and asked for a room even though you’re all booked,” Five said, leaning on the counter. “They managed to convince you.”

The concierge looked between Diego and Five, uncertain. “I— I’m not at liberty to say.”

“It’s no problem,” Diego said. He looked down at the concierge’s name tag. “Ethan. You wanna just give us a room?”

“That’s— it doesn’t work like that,” the concierge said.

Five drew out an enormous wad of bills from his pocket and slapped it on the counter.

The concierge’s eyes widened. He looked at his computer, clicked a couple buttons, and then he ducked under the counter, fishing out two keys. “Here,” he said. “Uh, room 207.”

Five dimpled up at him. “Thank you,” he said, reaching over the desk and neatly capturing the keys in his hand.

“Sure,” the cashier said, dazed.

Diego nodded at the cashier in thanks, and then he dragged Five away by the arm. “What the fuck was that?”

“Get off me,” Five said, swatting him.

“You just paid him off?” Diego said.

“It was the easiest way,” Five said.

“It’s not a good easy way out,” Diego said. “Waste of money.”

Five shrugged. “Some people are rich, Diego.”

“What?” Diego said.

“Some people,” Five said, enunciating—

“Oh, don’t do that,” Diego said. “So you’re really rich enough to throw money away for the sake of not having to talk to a person about a hotel room?”

“You sound jealous,” Five replied.

Diego flipped him off.

“Don’t feel bad about yourself,” Five said. He patted Diego’s arm. “I’ve had decades to make the right investments. And—”

“You know,” a woman’s voice said from behind them, “you probably didn’t have to do that.”

Five jumped back like he’d been burned. Diego turned around, startled. 

Leaning on the wall behind them was a slender woman with hair that hung down to her waist. She was agelessly pretty; she could have been anywhere from 20 to 40, and over her shoulder was slung a large beaded tote bag that would have made more sense on a 70-year-old. Her eyes were dark, and she was looking at them with distinct amusement.

Diego cleared his throat. “Booked hotels. You know how it is.”

“And who are you, exactly?” Five said, a hint of acid in his voice.

Christ. Diego looped an arm around him and squeezed him close, trying to silently get him to stand down. From the way Five tensed, it didn’t appear to be working— but then Five relaxed.

“Pardon me,” he said. “I didn’t mean to be testy.”

Diego made a mental note to tell Five later that he sounded like a character from a black and white movie.

The woman laughed. “No testiness taken,” she said. “No hard feelings. And I only came down for the tail end of that, so maybe the concierge was a dick to you. Who can say?” She held out her hand. “I’m Kara, by the way. Nice to meet you.”

Five looked down at her hand. Diego nudged him.

“James,” Five said, clasping her hand briefly. “And this is Diego. My, ah, boyfriend.”

Diego shot Five a look. He wrapped his arm around Five, pulling him in. “Don’t worry about him. He’s shy.”

Five gave Diego a dirty look.

“Aww,” Kara said. She looked back and forth between them, taking them in, and then she smiled. “Couple’s weekend?”

“Uh huh,” Diego said.

“We’re looking to do everything,” Five said, dimpling up at Kara. “See the sights. Meet the people.”

“Yeah,” Diego said. “Sun. Sand.” He squeezed his arm around Five’s shoulders. “Romance.”

Five twitched, and then schooled himself. “Yes,” he echoed. “Romance. With my…”

Diego bit his lip, trying not to seem too visibly amused. There was something adorable about Five spinning his wheels fruitlessly.

“Lover,” Five finished, and he raised his hand, slightly awkward, and caressed Diego’s cheek.

Diego choked, no longer able to contain his laughter, and he tried to mask it with a cough— which turned into a real cough, which was far less dignified than the fake one. He cleared his throat. “Yeah,” he said. “My lover.”

“Right,” Kara echoed. She shook her head. “And you said he was the shy one, Diego.”

“Diego was lying,” Five said. “He tends to bluster when he’s nervous.”

Diego rolled his eyes. “Ignore him,” he said.

“Ignore _him,”_ Five said.

“Then I’ll ignore you both,” Kara said, adjusting the tote bag on her shoulder.

“Wait,” Diego said.

Kara laughed. “How about this,” she said. “I’ll let you two check in and I’ll catch up with you later?”

“That sounds perfect,” Diego said. He looked her up and down. She was a little more than pretty, he was realizing. If Five weren’t there… He amped up his smile, eyes lingering on her lips.

Five gave a little sigh.

“Thanks, doll,” Diego said.

“Oh, don’t get that way with me, you’re taken,” Kara said, waving her finger at him, but her eyes sparkled. “I shouldn’t be keeping you, anyway. It’s getting late. And I’m sure you’re busy…”

“Well,” Diego said. “Not too busy for a pretty girl like—”

“Diego forgot to put coins in the parking meter,” Five said immediately. _“So_ forgetful.”

Kara snorted. “Did you really?”

“He was rushing us to get settled,” Diego said, stepping on Five’s foot.

“You know how lovers are,” Five said. His grip on Diego’s arm was like iron. “Come on, sweetie.”

“You are ridiculous,” Five said, shutting the door of their hotel room behind them.

“You were the one who teleported us in here before I could turn off the damn car,” Diego said.

“That got taken care of fairly easily,” Five said. He folded his arms. “Have you ever looked at a woman without having the urge to flirt with her?”

“Vanya,” Diego said.

Five made a noise of disgust.

“She’s not my type,” Diego said. “I’m into chicks who are a little less apocalypse-causing and a little more—”

“You might actually be the worst person I know,” Five said, turning away and throwing his duffel bag down on the bed.

“Whatever you say,” Diego said. “Lover.”

Five’s back was to him. “Diego.”

“What?” Diego said. “Don’t say I’m not allowed to make fun of you about that, man, that’s hilarious—”

“The bed,” Five interrupted him.

Diego looked over at it. “What about it?”

It was a normal bed. The linens were a little dated, hotel-chic, designed to look as neutral as possible while also seeming stuck in time purgatory. The blanket was quilted, and the pillows lay at a slight angle. The bed was serviceable. Obedient. Expectant.

And there was only one of it.

“There seems to have been a small oversight on our part about the demands of the ruse,” Five said.

“Have I ever told you you sound like a character from a black and white movie?” Diego said.

“Damn it,” Five said.

Diego looked at the bed. “Yeah, in retrospect… we should have expected this.”

“Of course we should have expected it in retrospect,” Five said. “That’s how retrospect works.”

“Yeah, but we’re pretending to be a couple,” Diego said. “And it’s not exactly like we were in any position to be choosy about rooms.”

“Maybe I should have slipped him more,” Five muttered.

Diego stopped. “I’m sorry, how much did you—”

“Personal funds, don’t worry about it, it isn’t your business,” Five said. He sighed. “We can be normal about the bed, right?”

“Right,” Diego said. “I mean, unless your repressed ass is allergic to being close to your brother.”

“That is not the case,” Five said.

“Then we’re fine,” Diego said. He was getting a vague sense from his gut instinct that perhaps this wasn’t something to ignore, but he brushed it away. “So,” he said, sitting down on the bed and tossing his own bag to the floor. “What’s the plan, chief?”

Five rubbed his face. After the long day of driving, his hair hung in his eyes, and he pushed back his bangs. “The beach?”

“All good with me,” Diego said. “Catch some rays. Catch some criminals.”

“Corny,” Five said, but there was a smile in his voice.

“Little bit,” Diego said.

“So much,” Five said, reaching up to undo his tie. He made a face. “I feel fucking overdressed. Christ.”

“The Academy uniform never wore off, huh?” Diego said, watching him.

Five snorted. “Try the Commission dress code.”

“Did the Handler have you in tuxes all day or something?” Diego said.

“Only after six,” Five said.

“I genuinely can’t tell if you’re joking,” Diego said.

Five smiled, looking away and tossing his tie to the ground. “The point is, apparently one doesn’t put on businesswear for a beach vacation.”

“No,” Diego said, grinning. “One really, really doesn’t.”

Five threw him a look. “When you make fun of me for having better grammar than you, I’m not the one who looks bad.”

“Using _one_ in a sentence is like wearing a suit and tie to a beach boardwalk hotel,” Diego said.

“It’s correct,” Five said.

“It’s uptight,” Diego said.

“You continue to be the worst person I know,” Five said.

“You know we’re gonna have to go clothes shopping before going to the beach, right?” Diego said.

Five’s eyes widened.

Diego grinned. “You cannot go out in public dressed like a—”

“Fine,” Five interrupted. “You don’t need to lay into me. I’ll let you take me on a cursory shopping excursion.”

It was a little hypocritical of Five to lecture Diego on his tells. The rosier Five’s cheeks got, the higher his vocabulary vaulted.

“Sure, sweetheart,” Diego said, shaking his head.

“As long as you take off that knife harness,” Five said.

Diego opened his mouth.

Five looked him up and down, appraising. “Which one of us is inappropriate for the beach, Diego?”

“Still you,” Diego said. He picked at his turtleneck and knife harness. “I packed other clothes. Tank tops and shit. A swimsuit.”

“Oh, Christ, you’re going to be insufferable at the beach,” Five said. “Any excuse to take off your shirt.”

Diego thumped his chest. “It’s not worth being modest when you’re as hot as I am. Everyone knows you’re just trying to be nice.”

 _“Worst,”_ Five said, articulating each syllable, _“person.”_

Diego laughed. He bent and picked up Five’s tie from the floor, then flicked it at Five’s shoulder. Five made a noise of protest. “You need to relax, babe. I’m gonna go take a shower.”

“This place has the good shit,” Diego said, coming out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. The bathroom was still warm, the air perfumed with the scent of the shampoo from those little bottles the hotel had. “Not like my place. And better than the creepy rusted bathtubs at the Academy; there’s a glass door on the shower and everything. I only found one bathrobe, so we’ll have to duke it out, but—”

Five looked up at him from where he was sitting in bed with a book, wrapped in a bathrobe.

Diego shook his head. “Of course.”

“I take opportunities when I see them,” Five said, looking back down at his book.

That bathrobe was big on him. Five wasn’t a kid anymore, but he was pretty slim, and Diego could see a tantalizing V of pale flesh that went down beyond where he could discern. Five was wearing reading glasses, too, which was… 

“What?” Five said, looking up. “Are you genuinely mad at me for this?”

…different. 

“No,” Diego said. He turned away. “You mind if I change out here?”

“Why would I care?” Five said.

“Some guys are weird about it,” Diego said, back to Five. He dropped his towel, grabbing the soft pair of sweatpants he’d packed and tugging them on. “They think being able to see another guy’s dick makes them gay or something.”

“That doesn’t matter to me,” Five said.

“Congratulations,” Diego said, leaning over to pick up his tank top and pulling it over his head. “You’re officially woke, man. Love is love.”

Five threw the pen from the bedside table at him. Diego caught it with one hand. “No, jackass. I don’t care because I’m bisexual.”

“Oh,” Diego said. He turned the pen over in his hands.

It was like the reading glasses. It wasn’t bad. It didn’t have to change the way he saw Five, it was just…

“What?” Five said. “Getting tongue-tied, Diego?”

… different.

“No,” Diego said, turning back.

“It’d be a shame if you were,” Five said, shaking his head. “Love is love, I hear.”

Diego threw the pen back at him, curving it precisely so it nosedived into the opening of his bathrobe. “You’re a pain in my ass, you know that?”

“Mightily aware,” Five said. He reached down into his bathrobe to fish out the pen, exposing more of his chest, then set the pen gingerly on the bedside table. “So the shower’s nice?”

“Yeah,” Diego said. His mouth was a little dry. “Good water pressure.”

“And a glass door, I’ve heard,” Five said.

“No nasty curtain,” Diego said.

“Hotel bathrooms always have those bullshit curved-outwards curtain rods anyway,” Five said. “Which invariably ends up getting water all over the floor for the sake of making the shower seem a little bigger. Glad to know we’re not living like animals here.” He climbed out of the bed.

“Yeah,” Diego said under his breath, watching him go.

Diego was using the pants hanger from the closet to clip the curtains shut when Five finally set his book down on the beside table and took off his glasses.

“May I turn off the light?” he said.

Diego felt a shot of adrenaline. He hadn’t been worried about sleeping in one bed with Five until now, but as the digital clock blinked ever closer to 11:30, the prospect loomed like a shadow lengthening as the sun set.

“Yeah,” he said. “Give me a sec.”

He still wasn’t worried, exactly. More… _cognizant._ Of every possible branch of anything that could go wrong, every intricate awkwardness that could emerge, every inch of Five’s legs that the short bathrobe exposed.

“What are you doing, exactly?” Five said, looking up at him.

Diego shook himself. He looked up at the hanger in his hands. “Fixing the curtains so light won’t shine through the gap and wake us up at the ass-crack of dawn.”

“Oh,” Five said. “That’s actually clever.”

“What did you think I was doing?” Diego said, clipping the curtains and stepping away.

“I had no idea,” Five said. “Following some whim I couldn’t begin to understand.”

“And you were just letting me?” Diego said, coming over to the bed.

“I think you should be touched that I had faith in you,” Five said.

“I don’t do weird shit that often,” Diego said.

“It’s a shame this room doesn’t come with a minibar with a single raw egg,” Five said.

“Who told you about that?” Diego said. “Has Luther been going around telling everybody?”

Five smirked.

“For the record, that wasn’t me trying to show off to him,” Diego said, climbing into the bed. “I need protein. Body’s a temple. It wasn’t because Luther was there, I’m just working on bulking up. But in a human way, not like him.”

“Excuse me?” Five said. “Lights?”

Diego reached across him for the pen and threw it across the room, flicking it so it hit the light switch.

The room went dark.

“Impressive,” Five said.

“Damn right,” Diego said.

The blackness pressed against their faces like a second blanket. Every inch of space between him and Five prickled against Diego’s skin, mapping the contours of their bodies under the covers. Five shifted, and Diego’s breath caught.

There was no threat here, he told himself.

“I was thinking we should go shopping tomorrow,” Five said. “For clothes. For me.”

“You can wear my shirt to breakfast if you want,” Diego said, not looking at him.

“That’s decent of you,” Five said.

“It’s just practical,” Diego said.

“Might make us look like a couple for real,” Five said.

“For real,” Diego echoed.

What if he moved during the night? What if Five moved? What if he woke up pressed against him, tangled up in his limbs warm and close, feeling the hot press of his skin, the rise and fall of his breathing— what if he woke up and he was—

“G’night, Diego,” Five said, rolling over and tucking himself away from him.

“Night,” Diego said, staring up at the dark ceiling with wide eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

The first thing Diego registered before he opened his eyes was the cold.

He could have sworn the last thought he’d had before he drifted off was that the hotel comforter was too damn warm. He’d been sweating enough from the prospect of sharing a bed with Five, and he hadn’t dared shift or turn for fear of waking up pressed against him— or even facing him— so he hadn’t dared move. But now…

Diego blinked his eyes open. The blanket was gone.

He frowned. The morning air was brisk on his bare arms and collarbones, and he sat up on his elbows, looking around. He turned his head beside him, and then he swore under his breath.

Five was completely swaddled in the blanket like a burrito. The entire thick comforter was tucked around his skinny body— maybe the better analogy would have been sushi, Diego thought. Five was wrapped up decadently, surrounded by every inch of dowdy floral print, peaceful and content and extremely asleep.

Diego picked at the thin top sheet, then looked over at the digital clock. 5:30 AM. 

He looked at Five again, taking in the picture: his pale face, his steady breathing, his long eyelashes.

When was the last time Diego had seen him at ease?

Diego punched down his pillow and rolled back over.

“Good morning,” Five said, climbing out of bed and jostling Diego’s shoulder extremely roughly. “We should get going. We overslept.”

Diego grunted, pulling his pillow over his head. “The hell time is it?”

“Nine,” Five said. He rolled his head, cracking his neck briskly. “I slept wonderfully. Seems like your trick with the hanger on the curtains actually worked.”

“Like fuck it did,” Diego said, rolling out of bed. He scrubbed his hand through his hair, then pointed at Five. “You know what _really_ worked? Being wrapped in all the blankets.”

“Oh,” Five said. He looked down at the bed. “I suppose that did help.”

“You wanna know how I know?” Diego said.

Five raised his eyebrows. “How?”

“Because you stole the entire comforter and slept like a baby, and I had the top sheet and couldn’t get a wink,” Diego said. “I was cold all night. Look at this.” He thrust his arm under Five’s nose.

Five looked down. “Yes, Diego, your bicep is fairly impressive.”

“What? No,” Diego said. “Also, _fairly?”_

“You have to pick a road here,” Five said. “Either admit you want me to fawn over your physique or show me what you meant to show me.”

“Goosebumps,” Diego said. “Look at my goosebumps. Because I spent all night in the cold.”

Five reached down and trailed his fingers absently over Diego’s arm. “Hm,” he said.

That touch wasn’t making the goosebumps go away.

“Yeah, hm,” Diego said.

“I’m not sure what you want me to do about it,” Five said.

“We’re gonna be here for two more nights,” Diego said. “Just don’t do it again.”

“I don’t know if I can promise that,” Five said.

“Excuse me?” Diego said.

“I didn’t mean to do it last night,” Five said. He shrugged. “I can’t say it won’t happen tonight.”

“You better try your best,” Diego said.

“I will,” Five said. He patted Diego’s bicep. “I’m going to freshen up. You said I could wear your shirt to breakfast?”

Diego opened his mouth, and then closed it. “What man says _freshen up?”_

Five gave him a look.

“Fine, you can wear it,” Diego said. “But it’s not like anyone’s gonna think we’re a couple if you keep bugging me.”

“Awww,” Kara said, when Diego and Five came down to the breakfast room. “You two are seriously the cutest.”

Diego blinked.

He had kind of been counting on nobody paying attention to them when they walked in. He was still enduring the effects of a patchy night of sleep, and if he looked anything like he felt, that wasn’t promising. He was dressed, but not dressed well. Next to him, Five was wearing Diego’s tank top from yesterday, and his hair was spectacularly rumpled.

Five looked at Kara, wide-eyed, and then he looked down at himself and Diego, putting two and two together. He shot Diego a look.

In Diego’s defense, looking like they’d just had sex wasn’t a disadvantage.

“Well,” Kara said, leaning against the wall, “I’m glad you’re enjoying yourselves.”

“Yeah,” Diego said. He yawned. “Like crazy.”

Five sighed. “Don’t mind him.”

“Oh, you two,” Kara said, shaking her head. “What are the chances you’d pity a poor single girl and join me for breakfast?”

Diego looked at Five. He hadn’t budgeted emotionally for having to put on the mask so early in the day.

Five tilted his head. _Might as well._

Diego rubbed his eyes. “Sure, doll. Lead us to the table.”

Kara lit up and beckoned them to a table in the far corner. As they walked, Diego nudged Five.

“What?” Five said.

“You could act a little more like you like me,” Diego said.

“Couples argue,” Five said.

“Yeah, but they don’t do it in public,” Diego said.

“What do you want me to do?” Five said. “Act like we’re ridiculously in love?”

“Yes,” Diego said.

“You’re shitting me,” Five said.

“That’s what it means to go undercover,” Diego said. “Come on. It’s breakfast. Just act like every besottedly happy couple that’s ever annoyed the fuck out of you.”

“So what are your plans for today?” Kara said.

Five was snuggled up against Diego in the booth, and it was unreal. Diego felt like he was living in a simulation of what it would be like to have a boyfriend. Or acting in a play, stage lights hot on his face, deeply aware that the boy next to him was there only by contract.

But Five fit really, really well next to him, which felt unfair. This was like one of those stress dreams where everything worked out too well.

“We’re going shopping,” Five said, nuzzling at Diego’s shoulder. “Clothes shopping.”

“You came to Delaware for clothes shopping?” Kara said.

“He underpacked,” Diego said. Was Five _nibbling_ at him?

“We left quickly,” Five said. He widened his eyes. “Silly me. I came from work and didn’t bring much in the way of, ah, casual wear.”

“He’s hilariously silly and forgetful like that,” Diego said.

Five jabbed him in the lower ribs under the table. Diego choked a little. Kara laughed. “Huh. I really thought the shirt of his was deliberate, James.”

“Well,” Five said. He smiled. Why did it always look so dangerous when he smiled? “It wasn’t _not_ deliberate.”

“I see,” Kara said. “I see.”

“Diego’s the type of macho meathead who likes marking his territory,” Five said sweetly. “He likes it when people compliment him on his muscles and his enormous facial scar.”

Diego shot him a look. _Act like you love me._

“His enormous sexy scar,” Five said, reaching up and tracing along the thick length of it.

Diego shivered. “Yeah,” he said, looking across the bar at Kara. “I mean, girls are always into it.”

Five rolled his eyes. “ _I’m_ into it. Dick.”

“Men,” Kara said, shaking her head knowingly at Five.

“Men,” Five said solemnly.

“You can’t go _men_ when we’re both men,” Diego said.

“See?” Five said to Kara. _“Men.”_

“Preach,” Kara said, holding up her glass of orange juice to toast.

She was wearing about three inches of bracelets dangling off her slender wrist. Some were leather, some were beaded, and some were clearly the overpriced touristy kind you get in a marketplace while traveling if you don’t know better than to pay fifteen bucks for a piece of string. It was kind of a dumb look. Diego made a mental note to make fun of her with Five in the car later.

Her other wrist was bare, though.

Kara put down her glass, quickly brushing her bracelets over her forearm. “I collect them,” she said.

“Hm?” Diego said.

“The bracelets,” Kara said. She smiled. “I saw you looking.”

“Oh,” Diego said. “Yeah. They’re, uh, nice.”

“I love to travel,” Kara said. “Wherever I go, I add a new one.”

“Charming,” Five said.

Kara indicated them with her glass. “Do you travel a lot?”

“Uh, yeah,” Diego said.

“Some,” Five said.

“What’s your favorite place?” Kara said.

“New York,” Diego said unthinkingly.

“Ah, I see,” Kara said. “You go there a lot?”

Five shot Diego a look. “That’s where we’re from.”

“You travel a lot, but your favorite place is home?” Kara said, smiling.

“It’s a fair choice,” Diego said defensively. “We wouldn’t have chosen to live somewhere we hated. And besides, traveling’s fun, but the real best part is, ah, the person you do it with.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Kara said. “It’s the pits when you end up in a strange place by yourself.”

“Yeah,” Diego said, looking down at Five.

Five had been looking off into the distance too, gaze fixed and unreadable. Boyfriend-Five had dissolved, and Five’s expression was shuttered. Diego nudged him. He looked up. “Hm?”

“We’re talking about how much you love me,” Diego said.

“Oh,” Five said. He shrugged. “I could take you or leave you, honestly.”

“You are so full of shit,” Diego said, reaching over and wrapping his arm around Five. “You were just saying how great I was.”

“Maybe I was lying,” Five said, smirking.

Diego looked up at Kara. “You see what I have to deal with?”

“You’re fine,” Five said. “I can tolerate spending time with you.”

Diego pinched his thigh hard under the table. Five let out a little gasp, and Diego kicked him for good measure. “He adores me,” he said.

Kara settled back in her seat. “I can tell.”

“Jury’s out,” Five said.

“You know what?” Diego said, turning to Five and leaning forward. “This is slander.”

He’d meant to go in for the cheek. Truly. But Five had turned his face, and Diego’s lips met his, slotting together, everything in slow motion.

Five’s lips were so soft.

The legs of Kara’s chair scraped on the floor as she pushed her chair back. “Time for me to go,” she said.

Diego broke away. “Yeah,” he said, looking at Five.

Five was staring up at him, eyes huge.

“Lovebirds,” Kara said. She shook her head, pushing her chair back in and giving them one last indulgent smile.

The car ride was quiet.

Five shifted in the passenger seat. “So we should—”

“So we should go shopping? Yep,” Diego said. “That’s where we’re headed.”

“Good,” Five said, relaxing back.

“Good,” Diego echoed. He chewed on his lip, looking out at the road. “We’re not— we’re good, right?”

“What?” Five said. “Yeah. We’re good.”

“Good,” Diego said. “Sure. Yeah, definitely.”

“We’re fine,” Five said.

The silence still hung in the air as Diego pulled up and parked in front of the shop Five had selected.

“Do you even own normal casual clothes?” Diego said. “At home?”

“No,” Five said.

Diego raised his eyebrows. “So you’re all business casual in your own room? That’s kinda pathetic.”

“No, I’m not,” Five said. “I agree that that would be pathetic, which is why I don’t do it.”

“So what do you wear when you’re around at home?” Diego said.

Five unbuckled his seatbelt. “Pajamas.”

“Really?” Diego said.

“What part of that is hard to believe?” Five said. “I like to be comfortable.”

“What kind of pajamas?” Diego said.

Five made a face. “Normal pajamas. Sweatpants. Undershirts.”

“Oh,” Diego said.

Five narrowed his eyes. “Were you expecting something more interesting?”

“I mean, it would have been entertaining,” Diego said. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting, but the mental image of Five relaxing in his own private space by himself struck him in a peculiar way. “It would have brought me great pleasure to hear you say that on your own time, you hang around in skimpy negligees.”

“In my own time, I hang around in skimpy negligees,” Five said flatly. “Did that make your day?”

Diego reached over and smacked the back of his head. “Smartass. It would have had to be true to make my day.”

“Then you’re going to have to live without it,” Five said. “My deepest condolences. Shall we?”

“You don’t have the personality to pull off a skimpy negligee,” Diego said.

“Excuse me?” Five said, dropping his hand from the door handle.

“Yeah,” Diego said, settling back in his seat. “I said it.”

“What is that even supposed to mean,” Five said.

“You can’t play the coy ingenue,” Diego said. “You can’t flutter your eyelashes and make eyes at people. You can’t flirt.”

“Yes I can,” Five said. “What was I doing at breakfast?”

“Being insane,” Diego said.

Five frowned. “I was acting like you told me to.”

“Nah, you were fine,” Diego said. “You were cute.”

Five’s frown deepened. “What was I doing wrong?”

“You weren’t doing anything _wrong,”_ Diego said. “You’re just not good at being casually flirty.”

“Do say more,” Five said archly.

“You can’t, like…” Diego leaned back, sizing him up. Then he grinned, tipping him a wink. “Hey, sweetheart.”

“That is not nearly as cool as you think it is,” Five said. “I’m telling you this for your own well-being. As somebody who clearly devotes so much of his time and energy to getting laid, you’re not going to get what you—”

“Show me how you’d do it,” Diego said.

Five leveled him with a look. “Hey, sweetheart.”

“Like you mean it,” Diego said.

Five batted his eyelashes, manic and saccharine. _“Hey, sweetheart.”_

“Like you’re not a crazy person,” Diego said.

Five sighed. He looked up at Diego, and then he smirked. “Hey, sweetheart.”

Diego’s stomach flipped. Five’s face was knowing, somehow both youthful and wise, and the little smile that played on his lips was mesmerizing.

“How’d I do?” Five murmured.

Diego shook himself. “Better,” he said. “But you didn’t do the wink.”

“Who said I need to wink?” Five said.

“Me,” Diego said.

 _“Why?”_ Five said.

“Because I said so,” Diego said.

“I would prefer not to,” Five said.

Diego narrowed his eyes at him.

Five screwed up his face, closing one eye.

“Wait,” Diego said, starting to smile. “Run that by me again.”

Five scowled. “I don’t need to.”

“You know that if you don’t do it, I’ll think you can’t, right?” Diego said.

Five huffed. Then he took a deep breath and contorted his face into an impressively wretched one-eyed scowl.

“Sweet Jesus,” Diego said, grinning. “You can’t wink? For real, man?”

“I’m done with you and I’m done with this conversation,” Five said. He held out his hands like he was about to warp, and then he let them fall, pained.

“Ah-ah,” Diego said. “You can’t just teleport away from me now, baby boy. Not when we have a cover to keep.”

“This is inane,” Five said.

“Please just give me one more wink,” Diego said.

“You’re asking me to embarrass myself,” Five said.

“Yeah,” Diego said. “So do it.”

Five winked.

Or at least his face did _something._ It looked somewhere between a convulsion and a nod. His eye closed, but it wasn’t… 

“Is that seriously the best you can do?” Diego said.

“I hate talking to you and I despise everything that comes out of your mouth,” Five said.

“No, but for real,” Diego said. “Really?”

“Diego.”

“Wow,” Diego said. “That is _impressively_ unsexy.”

“Winking isn’t sexy anyway,” Five said. “It’s—”

 _“Inane,”_ Diego said, imitating his voice.

“Do you ever shut up?” Five said.

“Not when you give me something this good,” Diego said, grinning. He rubbed his face, searching for the right words to describe it. “It looks like… you’re trying to give me a secret message.”

“I don’t know why this is so important to you,” Five said.

“It’s like you’re being held hostage by terrorists and signaling to me that I should duck or something,” Diego said.

Five sighed.

“Like the whole place is about to blow and you need me to move fast or we’ll lose it all with five seconds on the clock,” Diego said.

“You really think if we were being held hostage by terrorists, I’d wink at you?” Five said.

“Maybe?” Diego said.

“The premise is unrealistic in the first place,” Five said. “I’ve dealt with terrorists. I never get captured.”

“Right, because you’re so perfect and the smartest one in the room et cetera,” Diego said.

Five cocked his head. “Is your position in this argument that you _want_ me to get captured by terrorists?”

Diego waved his hand. “You’re distracting me.”

“Diego,” Five said. “I thought you cared about me. As your brother.” He smirked. “As your lover.”

“First, you better not say those words that close together in public, and second, whatever,” Diego said, stepping closer. “I don’t give a shit about how smart you are and how you could diffuse a bomb in ten seconds and you’re so brilliant and suave or whatever. The point is that you can’t wink.”

“I _can,”_ Five said.

“Give me one wink that doesn’t look like you’re having a stroke,” Diego said.

Five winked.

“You can’t tip your head forwards when you wink,” Diego said.

“I’m not trying to,” Five said.

“Look,” Diego said. He smiled, winking at him. “See? That’s normal.”

“Is that what you did across the table at Allison when you were fourteen?” Five said, widening his eyes. “No wonder she went for Luther.”

Diego cracked his knuckles. “At least I don’t look like I have a tic.”

Five aggressively winked at him.

Diego shook his head. “You’re still doing the head thing.”

“I genuinely have no idea what you’re talking about,” Five said.

Diego reached over and set his hands on either side of Five’s face. “You move your head forward when you wink.”

“I said I wasn’t doing it on purpose,” Five said. His eyes tracked Diego. “What—?”

“Do it,” Diego said.

“What?” Five said.

“Do the wink and I’ll keep your head straight,” Diego said.

“This is…” Five said. He swallowed. “Why?”

“Because you look like an idiot whenever you try to wink, and I’m helping you out of the goodness of my heart,” Diego said. He pushed Five’s hair out of his face. “C’mon. Show me.”

Five’s breath caught. Then he closed one eye, slow and deliberate.

“Good,” Diego murmured.

Five looked up at him.

“Do it again,” Diego said. “But faster. Like an actual wink.”

“Why?” Five said breathily.

“Your sake,” Diego said.

Had Five’s eyelashes always been that long?

Five winked.

Diego met his eyes, unable to move. Five’s skin was warm, his pulse fluttering.

“You still suck at it,” Diego said.

“I told you I could learn to wink,” Five said, jaw moving under Diego’s hands.

“How about this,” Diego said. He wrenched himself away. He reached into his pocket, pulling out his sunglasses, and he slid them onto Five’s face. “Cover your eyes. You won’t have to.”

Five reached up, running his fingers over the temple of the sunglasses.

Diego cleared his throat. He was in too deep. “Now let’s go get you some actual clothes.”

“No,” Five said, emerging from the changing room.

“Counterpoint,” Diego said. “Yes.”

Five scowled. _“No.”_

“You look hilarious,” Diego said.

Five picked at the cargo shorts currently occupying space on his body. “I would rather kill myself than go out in public wearing these.”

“Really?” Diego said.

Five glared at him.

“You’re kind of hilarious when you’re mad,” Diego said. “Wet kitten.”

“I’d respond in kind, but you can never handle criticism,” Five said. “There’s no point in burning someone who gets all puppy-eyed about it.”

Diego flipped him off. “Buy the damn shorts.”

“I hate the damn shorts,” Five said.

“You’re at the beach,” Diego said. “Dress like it.”

“Why do they have so many pockets?” Five said. “If you actually put something in all of these pockets, the pants would be too heavy and they’d fall down.”

“Yeah, no one actually puts something in all of the pockets, though,” Diego said.

“The silhouette is atrocious,” Five said.

“Oh, I see what the problem is,” Diego said.

Five raised his eyebrows.

“You don’t want to look stupid,” Diego said.

There was a pause.

“What a deduction,” Five said. “No wonder you have such an illustrious detective career.”

“You have to let yourself look a little stupid,” Diego said.

“I don’t,” Five said.

“You can’t just _say_ that,” Diego said.

“Yes I can,” Five said.

“You _can’t,”_ Diego said.

“Diego, do you actually think that saying the same thing over and over again is going to convince me?” Five said. “Christ, it’s like you think you’re herding animals.”

“More like I’m herding a toddler,” Diego said.

“I am two decades older than you and I’ve lived through eras you couldn’t dream of,” Five said.

“You don’t look it,” Diego muttered.

Five smirked. He indicated his restored adult body. “Second life.”

“You say second life, I say terrible twos,” Diego said.

Five flipped him off. “Since I would rather eat ten buckets of sand than wear these cargo shorts for a minute more, I’m going to find more options. I’d advise against following me.”

“Fine,” Diego said. “But if you show up to the beach in—”

Five was already gone.

“I told you I didn’t need the cargo shorts,” Five said, stepping out of the changing room.

Diego opened his eyes. 

Five had managed to find the single pair of Bermuda shorts in the whole store that looked dashing. His short-sleeved shirt was devastatingly well-fitted, skimming his lean torso like a caress, and Diego’s mouth went dry, picturing all the incremental steps that went into the outfit. Five in the changing room, sizing up the options. Five shucking off his clothes without pretense, looking at himself in the mirror for a spare second, then pulling on the t-shirt over his head. Running a hand through his hair. Looking at himself in the mirror again.

Five unfolded Diego’s sunglasses from his shorts pocket and slid them on his face. “Thoughts?”

“Yeah,” Diego said hoarsely. “A lot better.”

Behind the sunglasses, Five raised one eyebrow.

Diego ran a hand through his hair, looking Five up and down. “Lot easier to pretend you’re my boyfriend when you’re wearing that.”

“Oh?” Five said.

“Yeah,” Diego said. “You look… good.”

“I’m not sure I’m fond of that pause,” Five said.

“You— look— good,” Diego said in a monotone.

“Now that doesn’t sound enthusiastic,” Five said. He leaned against the wall. “Some boyfriend.”

“Go fuck yourself,” Diego said.

Five shook his head. “I’m breaking up with you.”

“You look good,” Diego said.

It came out lower. It wasn’t the voice he used with Kara, or with Allison or Luther or Klaus; it wasn’t the voice he pulled out of the pocket of his tight jeans when he went clubbing. It sounded exactly like him, and nothing like him at all. Diego was caught in Five’s thrall. He was infinitely aware of his whole body, drawn tight in anticipation of— something.

Five’s lips parted a little. “Well,” he said. “Thank you.”

“You boys get everything you need?” the cashier said, scanning the clothes one by one.

“Yeah,” Diego said. His heart was still beating quickly. He looked around. “Nice, uh, place.”

The store wasn’t that nice. It resembled any other store that was beach-adjacent, but bougie enough to have clothes that Five would deign to wear. Diego jiggled his leg, reflecting on what it must be like to work in a place like this day after day. 

A small radio sat perched on a high shelf, broadcasting a staticky voice.

_“It’s looking to be a clear, sunny weekend ahead here in Rehoboth Beach. We’re looking at a high of 85 degrees on Sunday, high humidity— stay cool, folks.”_

“Where are you two visiting from?” the cashier said.

“New York,” Five said.

_“Temperatures might drop tonight to the low sixties.”_

The cash register drawer stuck.

Diego and Five looked on as the cashier jiggled it, and then jiggled it again. Again.

“Sorry,” the cashier said, looking up at them. He thumped the register. “It’s a little poky.”

“No problem,” Diego said.

_“And we hate having to say this, folks, but the past couple weeks have given us all something else to be aware of— the police department is continuing to keep abreast of the, uh, ongoing situation, but it’s a good time to stay a little vigilant. If you see something, say something.”_

Diego paused.

_“And as always, exercise caution.”_

“You hear about those murders?” the cashier said. He rapped his knuckles on the cash register.

Diego stood up straighter. “Tell us more.”

“Not much to say,” the cashier said. “People keep dying.”

“Dying, or being killed?” Five said.

“Killed,” the cashier. He shook his head. “Tourists, mostly.”

“Really,” Five said.

“Uh huh,” the cashier said. “So you two be careful, now.”

Diego exchanged a look with Five. “Do you think the murderer’s in one of the hotels? If they keep killing tourists?”

The cashier shrugged. “All I know is that it’s high time people started using common sense. Don’t people know how to use common sense?”

“In what way?” Five said.

“You boys seem like you know how to use common sense,” the cashier said.

“Because we’re worried about the murders?” Diego said.

“Your whole energy,” the cashier said.

“Uh huh,” Diego said.

Five cleared his throat. “How would common sense help against a serial killer?”

The cashier looked at him like he was crazy. “Keeps you from getting killed.”

“Do you think the murders are the victims’ faults?” Five said lightly.

The cashier poked his tongue out between his teeth. “No, I don’t think so.”

Diego ran his tongue over his lower lip.

“I think people get killed because they’re in the wrong place at the wrong time,” the cashier said slowly.

“Yeah?” Diego said.

“Yeah,” the cashier said. He pointed at them. “That’s where the common sense comes in.”

“Does it,” Five said.

“Common sense is what keeps you from being in the wrong place at the wrong time,” the cashier said.

“What do you think is the wrong place at the wrong time?” Diego said.

“Wherever gets you killed,” the cashier said.

“So how do you avoid being at the wrong place at the wrong time?” Five said.

The cashier looked up at him. “Don’t get killed.”

There was a silence.

_“And next, we have Annemarie with a report on the upcoming Coastal Delaware Restaurant Week.”_

The cashier yanked on the cash register again, pulling it open with a clang. He fished out some cash and handed it to Five. “You need a receipt?”

“Nah,” Diego said. The hairs on the back of his neck were standing on end. “We’re good.”

The ride home was quiet, and the rest of the afternoon even quieter. Five made Diego stop to buy out all the newspapers from the newsstands, all the current ones and all the past ones that the stores had, and the two of them spread everything out on the floor of the hotel room, combing through the papers line by line to search for patterns. They ordered takeout and ate on the floor, speaking only to trade information. Threads emerged, but didn’t connect.

“It feels like we’re doing a puzzle and we’ve got all the edge pieces,” Five remarked.

“That makes it sound like we’re a lot farther than we are,” Diego said. “Edge pieces are progress.”

“It feels like we’ve _only_ got edge pieces,” Five said.

“And it’s a puzzle of the ocean or something,” Diego said. “Solid blue.”

“Yes,” Five said absently, already picking up the next newspaper.

By the time the windows behind the curtains were ink-black, Diego had completely forgotten their circumstances. Only when Five yawned did it occur to him in one great rush that he was staring down the barrel of another sleepless night at Five’s side.


	3. Chapter 3

“You are slathering that shit on,” Diego remarked, settling back on his towel.

Staking out on the beach was the best idea he’d ever had. It was prime people-watching territory, he’d told Five; wide-open and sunny, and it wouldn’t look suspicious if they stayed out here for hours. Even uptight Five seemed to enjoy the idea of lazing around in the warm sun for the day, and the only trace of the whole Commission-hunting enterprise was the EMF reader lodged in the sand by Five’s chair. 

Plus, the little bastard had stolen the blankets again last night, and Diego was looking forward to napping in the sun. 

This whole vacation-mission thing? Not too bad.

“I’ll burn,” Five said dryly, looking up at him from where he was thoroughly and meticulously covering himself with sunscreen. He set the tube down beside him. “Like a vampire.”

Diego laughed. “Sun’s nice, though.” He stretched. “Bet you’ve never been on an undercover mission this cushy.”

“Actually, when I worked for the Commission, I regularly needed to socialize among the upper echelons of society,” Five said. “I’ve had entire wardrobes of Armani suits made for me bespoke, so…”

“Overachiever,” Diego said. “But you gotta admit, a beach vacation is genuinely a good gig.”

“Try a private island,” Five said.

“Yeah, try working on the side of good, though,” Diego shot back, and then he stripped off his shirt before Five could retort.

There was no response. Diego turned around, dropping his shirt on the sand next to him. 

Five was staring.

Diego grinned. “What, you didn’t believe your brother could be a catch?”

“When did you get _that?”_ Five said, riveted on Diego’s pectoral.

For a moment it didn’t click. Then Diego’s grin broadened, and he looked down at his chest, bringing his hand up to cup the silver ring through his nipple. “You like it?”

“You look like a whore,” Five said. His eyes were glued to it. “When did you get it?”

“Why do you care?” Diego said. He rolled the nub of his nipple between his thumb and forefinger, watching it harden and peak. “I’ve had it for more than the requisite nine months, if you’re wondering whether you can touch it.”

“Jesus,” Five said. He cleared his throat. “I’m just curious if you got it when you were still at the Academy.”

“Nah, I got it after,” Diego said. “Dad would have gone crazy if I’d used his ‘hard-earned’ money to go get my nipple done.”

Five snorted.

“But it was Klaus’s idea in the first place,” Diego said.

Five’s face hardened, almost imperceptibly. “I see.” He settled back on his lounge chair, picking up his book. “Well, I’ll leave you to your preening. Try to resist the temptation to flex at the passersby.”

Diego frowned, and then he caught sight of something on the inside of Five’s wrist. A white scar, flesh raised, visible and uneven. He grabbed Five’s arm. “What’s this?”

Five jumped. His gaze dropped to where Diego’s fingers grazed the thick scar, and then he grimaced. “The Commission implanted a tracker in me,” he said. “I had the pleasure of removing it with a knife.”

“Jesus,” Diego said, tracing over the mark with his fingertip. Five’s hair stood on end. “Must’ve hurt.”

“That often happens when you take a sharp implement to your flesh,” Five said, jerking his arm back.

“Damn,” Diego said, looking down. “Do all Commission agents have them? Trackers?”

“Yes,” Five said. He tapped his forearm. “Often, they’re closer to the skin than mine was. A little more obvious to the eye.”

“That’s some creepy shit,” Diego said.

“They’re the Commission,” Five said.

Diego looked down. The mark was twisted and pale, eminently visible against Five’s skin. “Did they put yours deeper on purpose?”

“Yes,” Five said. “The Handler was particularly worried about me being _insubordinate.”_ He smiled at Diego, showing a neat rack of teeth.

“You are a stone-cold menace,” Diego said.

Five reached over for Diego’s sunglasses and slid them on, looking out at the water. “I know.”

Five didn’t take off Diego’s sunglasses for the next hour. He lounged on his towel like a cat in a sunbeam, holding his book up over his head while Diego napped beside him.

“You look comfortable,” Diego said, finally opening one eye and looking up at him.

“I am,” Five said, adjusting Diego’s glasses on his face.

Diego smiled. “What book is that?”

Five tipped the cover down so Diego could see it. _The Time Traveler’s Wife._

“Interesting,” Diego said. “How is it?”

“I think you’d like the part I’m on,” Five said, flipping a page.

“Oh yeah?” Diego said.

“Yes,” Five said. “The time traveler just went back in time and had sex with himself.”

“You’re joking,” Diego said.

“Why would I lie about that?” Five said.

“Because you think I’m a sex-crazed meathead who only cares about books where people get it on,” Diego said.

Five smirked. “That’s true. But I’m not lying about the book.”

“Fuck off,” Diego said, lying back down. “So he really has sex with himself? Thought he had a wife.”

“He does,” Five said. “But not yet. He’s fifteen.”

“Don’t tell me he fucks his adult self at fifteen,” Diego said. “That’s nasty.”

“No, both his selves are teenagers,” Five said. “But he does meet his wife when she’s a child.”

“How?”

“Time travel’s messy,” Five said. “His timeline is nonlinear.”

“Christ,” Diego said, looking up at the sky. “Makes me damn grateful my timeline makes sense.”

Five did not say anything.

“Shit,” Diego said, putting it together. He always ended up forgetting about Five’s time in the apocalypse; the way he’d fought against the current of time and space in a way that the rest of them had never experienced. Five kept himself under such tight control, packaged himself so smoothly, that it was easy for the pathos to sink under the radar. His composure naturally healed itself, restoring him discreetly to full health.

Diego turned his head, looking at him. “I— sorry.”

Five’s expression was unreadable under the sunglasses. “It’s fine.”

“I didn’t mean to…” Diego waved his hand.

“I know. It’s fine.”

Diego looked at the faded cover of Five’s book. “Is that why you’re reading it?”

“Maybe,” Five said shortly. He put the book down, out of view of Diego. “Do you think it’s cheating to have sex with your clone?”

Diego blinked. “What?”

“Does it count as infidelity, or is it fair game?” Five said.

Five was one hundred percent deflecting, but Diego wasn’t about to push him. “Nah,” he said. “It’s fair.”

“Really,” Five said. “So if you were still with Eudora, and she came home and told you she’d just had sex with her clone, what would you say?”

Diego opened his mouth, and then closed it. Eudora’s death still stung fresh, but then it always dawned on him that in this fixed timeline, she was still alive. It was like hitting the landing when he expected one more stair.

“I’d be fine with it,” he said. He grinned. “Actually, I’d want to have a threesome with her and the clone.”

Five laughed. “You can’t have a threesome with them.”

“Why not?” Diego said.

“Because it’s my thought experiment and I say so,” Five said.

“If it’s your thought experiment, change the rules, because I wanna have a threesome with two Eudoras,” Diego said. “They could go to town on each other and I could watch. Or both of them could be all up on me—”

“Fine,” Five interrupted him. “You can jerk off to your threesome with two Eudoras, I don’t want to hear any more of your disturbing fantasies. Is that the only condition where it would be fine for her to have sex with her clone?”

“I told you,” Diego said. “I’m fine with it in general.”

“What if her clone were better in bed than you?” Five said, smirking.

Diego flipped him off.

“What if she left you for her clone?”

“She wouldn’t,” Diego said. “She’s straight.”

“Ah,” Five said.

“I could see her going bi-curious for her clone,” Diego said. “But no more than that.” He stretched. “What about you?”

“Hm?”

“If your partner fucked their clone,” Diego said. “Would you take a baseball bat to their shit and accuse them of betrayal?”

Five shrugged. “I’ve never had a partner who could have sex with anyone else.”

Diego paused. He knew that every nanosecond he didn’t respond widened the gap between him and Five, between Five and the rest of the siblings, but the mannequin thing… He truly didn’t know what to think of it.

“So Delores is a non-starter,” he said.

Five visibly relaxed at the use of her name. Truce. “Correct.”

“What if you were dating someone—” _Do not say real._ “— of flesh and blood?”

Five shrugged. “I wouldn’t be thrilled.”

“Really,” Diego said.

“Really,” Five said.

“Why?”

“Because I’m possessive,” Five said matter-of-factly.

That was not what Diego had expected. 

“Tell me more,” he said.

Five heaved a sigh. “I’ll be the first to admit that my idea of what a relationship should be is… particular. It’s born from the mold of what I used to lack. I want a partner. Someone who will keep me company, and whom I can trust with every facet of my being. Someone who would drop everything for me. Loyal, and never leaving. No matter what.”

“Oh,” Diego said.

“As I said, I never let things— or people— out of my sight easily,” Five said. He lifted his shoulders in a shrug. “Perhaps an experienced couples’ therapist would say I bring red flags. That’s certainly fair. But when I’m with a person, I want them to be mine. I want to be absolutely sure of it.”

Diego nodded. Five would be odd and ungainly with a normal girlfriend; a normal boyfriend. The image of Five on a date felt jarring and unpleasant. It was much easier to picture Five celibate— or maybe by himself, lying indolent in bed with his suit half-undone with a hand down his pants for stress relief. Five’s particular proclivities seemed like a pool of water, shimmering and dark and far away: unknowable and enticing and possibly a mirage. As elusive as a reflection of light in those deep brown eyes.

He’d gotten used to Five being thirteen and off-limits. It was strange now to uproot the image so completely.

“And I don’t settle for bad sex,” Five added.

Diego choked. “Excuse me?”

“Are you scandalized?” Five said disbelievingly.

“Me? No,” Diego said. “But hearing you talk about good sex is like watching a dog walk on its hind legs.”

“Christ,” Five said. “Do you really think I’m that asexual?”

Diego hesitated. “You want an honest answer?”

Five made an annoyed noise. “Now that I know that an honest answer exists, I want it.”

“You seem like a prude,” Diego said.

Five cast an eye down at Diego, lingering on the nipple ring. “Only compared to some.”

“You never talk about sex,” Diego said.

“I have _boundaries.”_

“Come on, man,” Diego said. “It’s not— look, I’m not trying to be judgmental. I’m just saying I’d be surprised if I saw you out clubbing. Trying to take someone home.”

“Jesus, Diego, just because I’m not actively cruising for hookups doesn’t mean I’m a prude,” Five said. “I don’t like quick, dirty, meaningless sex. I’ve tried it— and it’s not bad, per se, but it’s flagrantly clear that I only truly enjoy sex when it matters to me. But I’m too old and too tired to pick people up at bars, and the idea of trying to date makes me want to shoot myself in the head.”

“Huh,” Diego said. “You know, that’s fair.”

“But I would sleep with my clone in a heartbeat,” Five said.

Diego glanced at him. 

“I believe that my clone would be better at sex than anyone on the planet,” Five said seriously.

Diego laughed. His weird fucking brother. “Get cracking, then,” he said, snapping his fingers. “You’re the one with the actual time travel powers.”

“That’s not how real time travel works,” Five said. “I can’t interact with my past self.”

“What?” Diego said.

“It’s a shame,” Five said. He reached over and patted Diego’s shoulder, then stood up. “I won’t try to load the logic into your poor brain, don’t worry. I’m going to go to the little cabana and get us margaritas.”

“Don’t bother with one for me,” Diego said.

“You’d prefer something else?” Five said.

Diego shifted. “I don’t drink.”

There was a pause.

“Ah,” Five said, drawing back. “Your temple of a body. I’d forgotten.”

“It’s not a fitness thing,” Diego said.

“Oh?” Five said.

This was a weird conversation to be having on a random beach.

“I grew up with Klaus, man,” Diego said. He was not looking at Five, and he did not intend to do so for the rest of the conversation. “You can’t put two and two together?”

“I see,” Five said. 

He paused.

“Spit it out,” Diego said, still looking away.

“You don’t have to live in his shadow,” Five said.

“I can’t fall for his poison,” Diego said. His voice came out lower than he’d intended. “It’s… he started drinking while you were still there. You don’t remember?”

“I remember the beginning,” Five said quietly. “Not the middle.”

“It fucked him up,” Diego said. “I mean, I know why he did it. But I saw the Klaus I knew dissolve away year by year. I can’t— that’s not gonna be me.”

The sun was high in the sky now, beating down on them both like a spotlight. Diego closed his eyes, but he could still feel the heat on his face.

“Don’t argue with me on this,” he said, looking up at him.

“I won’t,” Five said. He touched Diego’s bare shoulder, and then he took Diego’s sunglasses off his own face and handed them to Diego. “I’ll have them make your margarita virgin.”

“Hey,” Diego said, poking Five.

Five peeked one suspicious eye out from behind his book.

“Wanna go in the water?” Diego said.

“You can go in the water,” Five said, looking back at his book. “I’ll stay here and man the fort.”

“There’s barely a fort to man,” Diego said. He prodded Five, and then hissed when Five jabbed his sharp fingernails into the pressure point on his wrist. “Jesus. But we’ve been here for two hours; there hasn’t been anything.”

“Did they teach you nothing in the police academy?” Five said.

“They don’t teach anyone anything in the police academy,” Diego said.

“Spoken like someone who dutifully went through the whole curriculum, never picked fights with the top brass, and actually endeavored to absorb the material,” Five said dryly.

“I left because they didn’t have shit to teach me,” Diego said.

Five raised an eyebrow. “They kicked you out because they didn’t have shit to teach you?”

“Whatever,” Diego said. “Why are you even asking?”

“Because you have the attention span of a fruit fly,” Five said. “Just because there hasn’t been anything _yet_ doesn’t mean there won’t be something of note. Ergo…” He waved a hand. “Go on. Enjoy yourself. I’ll be here.”

“Man, that is pathetic,” Diego said.

Five set his book down.

“I’m saying this as your brother,” Diego said. “Have some fun. For once. Please.”

Five indicated his book.

“No,” Diego said.

Five indicated his empty margarita glass.

“Closer,” Diego said.

“I’m not going to go cavort in the waves, if that’s what you’re implying,” Five said.

“Cavort?” Diego said, grinning.

“As I said, go have your fun, I’ll be here with the EMF reader,” Five said, looking back down. “You’re not going to budge me.”

“This is actively your loss,” Diego said. “I’m willing to sacrifice something for you.”

“Please stop,” Five said, looking up. His face was tired. “You don’t have to treat me like I’m some uptight prick who rations pleasure like it’s about to be taken away.”

“Then don’t act like one,” Diego said, and he flipped him off without looking back as he jogged down to the water.

It didn’t actually feel great to be given permission for his requisite fun, but as Diego neared the glittering shore, his annoyance dissipated. He couldn’t help himself from smiling as he waded in, past the families and the couples and the breaking waves, deep enough to dive in and swim, striking out further and further. 

This shit was so good. Why hadn’t he been doing it before?

Trips to the beaches near the city with his police academy buddies, sure. But an actual vacation, a chance to kick back with someone he didn’t have to defend himself to, a broad and glimmering ocean, no knives, no radio clipped to his hip…

He’d never even had the obligatory family trips growing up.

Diego didn’t like to play the trauma card. He hated the way that casual confessions of childhood abuse sank conversations like a stone. Sympathy got old fast. And if anyone tried to lay their hand on his shoulder and act like they really _understood_ him, he ghosted them in two seconds.

That was really the worst one, Diego reflected, getting to a calm patch. He floated on his back and looking up at the sky. The way that certain people acted like they were bold and empathetic for having the guts to look around, lower their voice, and ask him if the Umbrella Academy had… you know…. _changed_ him. They’d seen interviews with Reginald on the news back in the day, and it had seemed like, maybe— and this was just an educated guess, but they considered themselves fairly astute with this type of thing— growing up a teenage superhero _hadn’t_ been good?

No matter how poisonous a death glare Diego hit them with, that type never backed down.

He rolled over and swam out deeper. How had he even gotten to thinking about this? He was on a beach, he was in the ocean— he was truly free, for once in his life, no walls in sight, unmoored in every direction.

He caught sight of the umbrella inscribed in a circle on his wrist, paler and greener and distorted under the water, and he turned onto his back again.

It was so infuriating every time someone brought it up. Like clockwork. It didn’t make anyone fucking brave to be the one to ask Diego about his personal shit; it didn’t make them the Jane Goodall of traumatized ex-superheroes. It just made them someone who talked earnestly about how much of an “empath” they were while steamrolling over every social cue.

Diego wasn’t exactly sure who he was mad at, which was probably a sign that he should cool down, but that just irritated him more.

He stared up at the sky, blue and expanding and infinitely wide in every direction. The air was cleaner here than it was in the city. He could feel his body bobbing in the waves, sun-warmed on his front and ocean-cold on his back, the edge of the water lapping at him gently in a fine, cool line. This was good, he told himself. And it was.

If he was always getting on Five’s ass about relaxing, was he any better than the person giving him the solemn eyes about his childhood?

Five could fend for himself. Five _had_ fended for himself. Diego dove down deep enough that he felt his chest go tight. Five was probably up on the beach enjoying his book right now. Wearing Diego’s sunglasses, stretched out on the lounge chair, slender and indolent and keeping one calm eye on the EMF reader blinking sluggishly in the sand, while Diego swam out by himself, a dot in the infinite ocean, a beachgoer among beachgoers. Neither special nor normal. A little off-kilter; content but unhappy.

Diego felt the water go cold. He dove deeper, blotting out the light, feeling the pressure in his ears expand and click.

Maybe Five wasn’t the one who was weighed down by the past.

Diego was swimming back towards the shore when a weight slammed down on top of him and dragged him down to the bottom.

He fought for air on instinct, splashing and flailing, pulling himself up to the surface. He thrashed against the weight, there was someone on top of him, clenching around him—

“Heyyy,” Five said, wrapping his arms around Diego’s neck.

Diego spat water out of his mouth. “What the fuck is this?”

“I decided that you were right,” Five said. His body was very warm on top of Diego’s, like he’d been lying out in the sun. “There’s no point to lying up there with the EMF reader. It isn’t going to go off. We don’t have enough of a lead.”

“Oh?” Diego said. “Also, get the fuck off me.”

“Pass,” Five said. “You’re always preening about how strong you are, you can handle towing me back to shore. I think we’ve reached a dead end. The Commission agent has to be somewhere else.”

“Huh,” Diego said. “That’s a pain in the ass.”

“Also _The Time Traveler’s Wife_ is so fucking long,” Five said. “I read 200 pages of it today. I’m not even halfway through and I want to murder someone. Oh wait, you don’t like murder.”

Half of Diego’s concentration was focused on swimming them both to shore, but there was something slightly different about Five’s voice.

“Thought you were enjoying it,” Diego said.

“I was,” Five said. “But then it got— I don’t know. It’s veering wildly between tediously philosophical and slightly misogynist and unsavory.”

“Oh,” Diego said.

Five hit his head against Diego’s. His breath smelled sweet. “Swim faster.” 

“Out of curiosity,” Diego said, leading them towards the shore, “did you enjoy a couple more margaritas before you came to find me?”

There was a pause.

“You told me to relax,” Five said.

Diego grinned. They were in water shallow enough to stand in now, and he stood, offering Five a hand. “How many?”

“Only a couple,” Five said. “I’m very fine.” He swatted away Diego’s hand. “I have a high alcohol tolerance.”

“Uh huh,” Diego said.

“Don’t fucking bring up the tequila incident in the library,” Five said, stabbing his finger in the air at Diego as they made their way to shore.

“I didn’t say anything,” Diego said, shaking his head. He ran a hand through his hair, letting the water sluice off him, and he turned to look at the beach, shielding his eyes with his hand as he took in the encampments of towels and umbrellas and people lit bright by the sun.

Diego turned back. “Five?”

Five’s eyes were on his body, rapt.

Diego swallowed, his pulse spiking. He’d thought there was something between them, tissue-thin and fluttering; a filament that dissolved whenever Diego looked at it straight on. Five was too canny to let anything show, but now— Diego stood stock-still, unable to move under Five’s un-self-conscious gaze, heart beating out of his chest.

Five’s eyes dropped to the curve of Diego’s ass.

From behind him on the beach, there came a long whistle.

“It’s a good thing you have that locked down, James,” Kara’s voice said.

Diego turned around, shaken out of it, and then his eyebrows shot up.

She was wearing a gauzy beach coverup that technically covered her entire body. The _fabric_ covered her. But the material was pale and light, and the sun exposed every curve of her body from her tanned shoulders all the way down to her painted toenails, and Diego could make out the outline of her bikini under it— everything that wasn’t showing, and everything that was.

“Oh, for Christ’s sake,” Five said.

“Hey, hey, I’m busy taking in the scenery,” Diego said, swatting at him. He grinned at Kara. “That dress is a good look for you, baby.”

“You think so?” Kara said, amused. She picked at the fabric. “It hardly counts as a dress, really.”

She was shifting it so her leg was exposed. The bracelets, still stacked high up her wrist, brushed against her tanned skin. 

Diego bit his lip, eyes lingering. “It doesn’t?”

“It really doesn’t,” Kara said, laughing. “I couldn’t wear this to the bank. Or to the grocery store.”

“Fair point,” Diego said. “All the guys at the grocery store would get too hot over you. You’d bring down the place.”

“I see you,” Kara said. She put her hand on her hip. “I know your game.”

Five flicked water at him. Diego ignored it. It was their fake relationship at stake, Five could deal. “Then what do you think I’m gonna say next?”

“You’re going to tell me I should take off the coverup,” Kara said.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Diego said, holding out his hands. “I wouldn’t tell you to do that.”

“Good,” Kara said. “Because your boyfriend’s right behind you giving the death glare.”

“I’d ask real nice, though,” Diego said, smiling at her. He stretched, letting his nipple ring glint in the sun, showing off his biceps. He ran his tongue over his lower lip, looking her up and down with no pretense. “All I’m saying is if you ever wanted to stop by, me and him are up in 207—”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Five said, and before Diego knew it he was dragging Diego in, pressing ostentatiously against him and kissing him deeply, winding his hands in Diego’s hair and tugging. Diego gasped. Five was _claiming_ him, hard and hungry, and Diego’s hands came up to Five’s hips, brushing over his bare skin and then gripping him tight, arching up into his touch.

When Five pulled away, Kara was gone.

Diego touched his lips. “Damn.”

“Sorry,” Five said. His eyes were wide.

“Don’t be,” Diego said faintly, dazed.

Five shook himself, like he was trying to snap out of a fugue. Then he scowled and smacked Diego’s face.

“Hey!” Diego said.

“You ruined our contact,” Five said. “She’s the one we’re supposed to talk to about the Commission.”

“Oh,” Diego said. “Right. But you’re the one who— kissed me, I don’t see how I’m in the wrong here.”

“You were trying to get her to take her clothes off, Diego,” Five said, enunciating every word.

“She was wearing a string bikini under that thing,” Diego said, matching his tone.

“You told her our room number,” Five said.

“It was worth a shot,” Diego said.

Five smacked him again. “We’re supposed to be a couple. You could have blown our cover.”

“Boyfriends can let boyfriends hit on chicks in bikinis,” Diego said.

“I’m not even going to touch that statement,” Five said. “Anyway, it’s up to you to clean this up.”

“How is it up to me if I’m the one who supposedly fucked it up?” Diego said.

“Because I hear you’re _so_ fond of chicks in bikinis,” Five said, stepping back. “And I need something stronger than a margarita.”

The walk up to the beach was long, hot, and blisteringly silent. When they arrived at their camp, Diego kicked the sand away from where the EMF reader lay sunken by their towels, and then he stopped.

“Five,” he said. 

“What,” Five said.

Diego reached down and picked up the EMF reader. The lights were dark. The plastic casing was slashed open on the back. Inside, the wires were cut, and the inner compartment was filled with sand.


	4. Chapter 4

Diego looked up. Five’s eyes were wide.

“They know we’re here,” Diego said. He looked down at the EMF reader in his hands, sand spilling from within the wires. In his mind’s eye he saw a shadowy figure come upon their towels— a faceless person— putting down a briefcase and picking up the EMF reader, examining it with a little smile, amused. Drawing out a knife and stabbing the machine as if it were an animal. As if it were a person. Touching the tracker in their arm, discreet, then picking up the briefcase and moving on, disappearing as if they’d never been there.

“Christ,” Five said. _“Christ.”_ He scrubbed his hands through his hair. “Fucking— we’re running out of time. I need to get up to the room.” He began gathering the chairs and towels, his back to Diego. “Go talk to Kara. Gather information.”

Diego felt a pang. “I’m—”

“Don’t apologize,” Five said brusquely. “They’re onto us. That’s what we have to focus on.”

Diego shut his mouth.

Five’s shoulders were tight. Diego watched him fold the towels, his movements quick and methodical, and then he looked down at the slashed EMF reader. He looked up.

“Five,” he said. 

Five ignored him.

Diego swallowed. “This isn’t your fault.”

Five turned around and gave him a look. His face was exhausted and resigned, truly old in a way that Diego had never seen before. 

“The mission didn’t fall apart just because you let your guard down,” Diego said.

“Don’t,” Five said.

“You don’t have to beat yourself up,” Diego said. “I made mistakes, you made mistakes, it’s not—”

Five warped away.

“Hey,” Diego said, stepping into the hotel lounge.

Kara was sitting lengthwise on one of the sofa, legs stretched out in front of her. Her big tote bag sat by her side like a sleeping pet. The late afternoon light slanted down on her from a tall window, lighting her up in stripes. She held a magazine in one hand, her face propped up on the other, casting her face in shadow.

She grinned at him when she saw him, leaning back and settling in her seat. “Here to shoot your shot where your boyfriend can’t see you?”

“Uh, no,” Diego said. He scratched his head. “He read me the riot act upstairs.”

“Oh no,” Kara said. “Are you guys okay now?”

“Yeah,” Diego said, remembering Five’s deeply unimpressed expression. The tension hanging in the air. “One hundred percent.”

“Well, that’s good,” Kara said. She stretched. “Did you get good make-up sex out of it?”

“Angry sex, actually,” Diego said, leaning against the wall. “Lots of grabbing and biting. Very possessive.”

Kara whistled. “Nice.”

“Gotta love it,” Diego said. He hooked his thumb in his belt loop. “Hey— can I ask you something?”

Kara raised her eyebrows, and then she pulled her legs off the sofa, tucking them beneath her and gesturing for Diego to sit.

Diego sat. “Has anything… weird happened to you this weekend?”

“What do you mean?” Kara said, looking at him. She smirked. “Like a guy hitting on me at the beach in front of his boyfriend?”

“You’re too hot to act surprised about guys hitting on you,” Diego said.

Kara laughed. “But seriously. What are you talking about?”

Diego fidgeted. “The murders.”

“What murders?” Kara said.

“You really haven’t heard of them?” Diego said.

“I have,” Kara said, “but tell me more.”

“If you already know, there’s not much to say,” Diego said.

“Are you scared?” Kara said.

“Nah,” Diego said. “It’s— I don’t know. I don’t get scared easily.” He cracked his knuckles. “But I know other people are. And the… energy around here is off.”

The radio in the shop. The EMF reader, dead on the sand.

“I know that people are worried about it,” Kara said slowly. “But I don’t think we have any reason to be.”

“You don’t?” Diego said.

“There are plenty of people vacationing here,” Kara said. She stretched. “The likelihood that I’ll die? Seems pretty low.”

“Huh,” Diego said.

“Is James worried?” Kara said.

“He’s been thinking about it,” Diego said. “Not too freaked out, but…”

“But he’s the stoic type,” Kara said knowingly.

“Yeah,” Diego said. “And he knows what he’s about. I’ve seen him agonize before, but never over something that wasn’t important.”

“Hm,” Kara said.

“So it really doesn’t bother you?” Diego said.

“You’re really lucky to have him,” Kara said.

Diego stopped. 

“Excuse me?” he said.

“James cares about you so much,” Kara said.

“Oh,” Diego said. He felt like all of the blood in his body had suddenly changed direction.

“When you were flirting with me on the beach, he was pissed,” Kara said.

Diego looked away. “It’s our thing. I do stupid shit, he slaps me on the wrist.”

Kara shook his head. “I mean he was _pissed.”_

Diego rubbed his face. “He told me off earlier. You don’t need to hammer it in.”

“Good,” Kara said. She reached out and brushed her hand over Diego’s knee. “It was nice of you to give me your room number, though.”

“Yeah, well,” Diego said. “You’re still hot, but he’d bite you if you so much took a look at my biceps.”

“Then I’ll be sure to look at your abs instead,” Kara said, grinning.

“Oh, don’t tempt me, princess,” Diego said.

“There’s zero worry of that,” Kara said. “Like I said… you two are clearly fated for each other.” She laughed a little. “From your names, even.”

“What?” Diego said.

Kara tilted her head. “James is the Anglicized version of Diego.”

Diego blinked. “Really?”

“Well, Diego is a derivative form of Santiago,” Kara said. “Which comes from _Santo Yago,_ which is an old Spanish form of Saint James.” She raised one eyebrow. “You really didn’t know that?”

“Really didn’t,” Diego said. He scratched his head. He felt strangely touched; a little seen-into. Five was too worldly not to have known that.

“But it’s not just that,” Kara said. She looked up at him. “He adores you, Diego.”

“He’s my boyfriend,” Diego said. “He’s contractually obligated.”

“It’s more than that,” Kara said. 

“When he kissed me on the beach?” Diego said. “Yeah, that was just— yeah.”

“No,” Kara said. Her eyes on him were intent. “You should see the way he looks at you, Diego.”

“Oh,” Diego said.

“I’ve been watching you all weekend,” Kara said.

Diego chewed his lip. “You really think we have something? Me and him?”

“You look at him the same way,” Kara said.

Diego looked up at her.

“You turn your head when he talks,” Kara said. “You watch him wherever he is. You check out his ass. And his sense of humor is so perfect for you, too. You always make each other laugh. And off the record? He’s pretty damn cute.”

“Uh huh,” Diego said.

“Lots to think about,” Kara said, standing up. 

“Yeah,” Diego said faintly, watching her.

Kara picked up her bulky tote bag and slung it over her shoulder. “I have to run,” she said. “But I stand by what I said. Your boyfriend’s quite a guy, Diego. It’s a pity you’ll never get to date him for real.”

Diego’s heart stopped.

Kara reached into her bag and disappeared in a warp of blue light.

Diego took the stairs two at a time, his body moving on autopilot. He wrenched open the door to the second floor, and he sized up the length of the hallway, heart pounding out of his chest. Distantly, he heard his own footfalls on the carpet as he ran, gathering momentum until he reached room 207 and threw himself through the door.

He landed in the room with a crash. 

Everything throbbed. He always forgot how much that hurt, but no sooner had he touched the floor than he had two knives ready in his hand. His eyes flicked up, taking in the sight—

“Throw one of those and I’ll shoot,” Kara said, pressing the barrel of her gun into the side of Five’s head.

Diego recoiled.

Kara was holding Five in front of her like a human shield. The room was trashed around them: the linens on the bed were rumpled, mussed in a twist of surprise, and the contents of Five’s suitcase were scattered over the floor. The pants hanger was torn off the curtain. Five’s expression was delicately aggrieved, and his hands were bound in a pair of thin, mercury-silver cuffs.

“Look,” Kara said, jostling Five and pointing to the handcuffs. “Your boyfriend can’t teleport you out of this.” She laughed. “Your ‘boyfriend.’”

Five’s face was cool and empty.

Kara kicked him. “Show him.”

“Must I?” Five said.

Kara shoved him.

“You’re relying too much on bodily force, it’s unseemly,” Five said, but he held up his cuffed hands for Diego to see, resigned. He tightened his fists, summoning a weak blue warp that wobbled only an inch from his fingers, and then his face spasmed with a wince. He dropped his hands.

“Aww,” Kara said. “Does it hurt?”

“I’m not sure why you needed to confirm that,” Five said, tone cool, but his voice was audibly rougher. He cleared his throat. “You already crowed about restraining me.”

“Not to him,” Kara said, smiling.

Diego’s face felt hard. His whole body felt like an action figure; posable, but not entirely under his control. Carrying weapons that had no use.

“Number Five,” Kara said. She pronounced his name like a swear word she’d never been allowed to say out loud before. “You know that everybody at the Commission hated you, right? Like, the entire time you worked there.”

“Well, I hated everybody at the Commission,” Five said. “So I’d call that even.”

“The boss loved you, though,” Kara said. She looked up at Diego, smirking. “How much has he told you about her?”

“Let go of him,” Diego gritted out.

“She was into him,” Kara said. “And I mean _into_ him. She watched him— kinda the way you do, actually.”

Five’s eyelids fluttered.

“He could get away with anything,” Kara said. “Ugh, what a slippery little— He didn’t need a briefcase, so he could always save his ass in any tricky case. Would you want to work with someone like that, Diego?”

“Let _go_ of him,” Diego said.

“Oh, please,” Kara said. “You think you can Moses your way out of this, _let my people go—”_

“Can you elucidate for us exactly why you’re holding me hostage with such vitriol?” Five said. “Because from the way you’re talking, it appears to be a personal matter.”

“Of course it’s a personal matter,” Kara said. “You’re trying to screw up my mission.”

“Your mission that is already this close to being screwed up,” Five said, lips curving in a little smile.

“But that doesn’t mean it’s _only_ a personal matter,” Kara said.

Her grip on Five was tight. Next to them, her tote bag lay open on the floor, a scuffed briefcase poking out.

Diego kicked the briefcase away. “You’re so—”

“Careful,” Kara and Five said at the same time.

Diego looked down.

“That’s my ticket home,” Kara said.

Diego inched his foot over to it. “Sounds like it’s pretty important to you.”

“Diego,” Five said sharply.

The briefcase lay half-out of the bag, scorpion brown. It was hard to reconcile its dusty exterior with the bright red signals of the EMF reader, or the blue flare of the warp Five could summon with his bare hands. 

Or with Klaus’s glassy eyes at a grimy veterans’ bar, staring unseeingly at an impossible photograph.

Diego stepped away slowly.

“I mean, you could get lost in time if you really wanted to be that dumb,” Kara said. She tossed her long hair over her shoulder. “I’d just make Number Five teleport me back to HQ.”

Five worked his jaw.

“Leave,” Diego said. He pointed his knife at her. “Don’t carry out the murders.”

“The murders?” Kara said.

“The reason you came here,” Diego said. “He told me about it. Talk about a messy mission. You really couldn’t let your precious timeline go?”

A shadow flickered over Kara’s face.

“Sloppy work,” Diego said. “You might as well just leave without killing anybody.”

“You think I care about the murders?” Kara said. She tipped her head towards Five. “I want him.”

Diego’s blood ran cold.

Five blinked. His head was tipped to the side in Kara’s hold, and his posture was languid. “Pity. I don’t work for your organization anymore, I have no interest in cooperating, and I have nothing to give you.”

Kara pressed her gun into his temple. “The second you two came in, it was clear who you were.”

“To some,” Five said.

“To me,” Kara said. “And any other Commission agent.”

“I find that genuinely hard to believe,” Five said.

“You’re not earning yourself any points by sassing me,” Kara said.

“Is that really what passes for sass at HQ these days?” Five said. “Christ, you really must be missing me over there.” He turned his head, looking up at Kara. “If any Commission agent could have recognized us, explain how Hazel and Cha Cha didn’t.”

“After their little oversight, the Handler made them an example,” Kara said.

“I seem to recall they made the Hander dead, actually,” Five said, lips curving up in a smirk.

“Do you _want_ me to shoot you?” Kara said.

Five shrugged. “I’m interested to see if you would.”

Diego’s breath constricted. His fist clenched at his side, and Five looked up at him sharply. He took in Diego’s expression, and then his eyes widened a little, seeming genuinely surprised.

Diego didn’t know how his face looked right now. All he could feel was the blood pounding in his face.

 _I’m fine,_ Five mouthed, very slightly.

Diego raised his eyebrows.

Kara looked between them, and then she lowered the gun.

Five stretched. “At least you’ve come clean about it now. If you want me to come back with you, of course you can’t kill me. That’s a fairly amateur move.”

“But I can kill him,” Kara said, raising her gun and pointing it at Diego.

For a second, Five’s face went completely blank.

Diego exhaled, long and slow. Somehow, being the one held hostage was easier. He’d had a gun to his head enough times that he could count himself familiar with the sudden, punishing clarity he always felt in that heart-stopping moment.

Five chewed on his lip.

“Everyone always told us you were the best, Number Five,” Kara said. “But it wasn’t hard to capture you. Especially when you two made it so easy. Your conveniently matching names? Leaving your little EMF machine up on the beach? Telling me your room number?”

Diego winced.

“You weren’t cut out for this,” Kara said. “You’re both so _stupid.”_

“That isn’t true,” Five said. His voice prickled. “If anyone’s—”

“You’ve acted like idiots,” Kara said. “Everything you’ve done has led me to you. Like, everything. It’s not _not_ pathetic.”

Diego felt a trickle of shame in his gut.

“You could have just called us pathetic,” Five said. “It would have been wrong, but it would have been clearer.”

“Why are you fighting with me on this?” Kara said. “What is wrong with you?”

Five smiled up at her. His dimple was carved into his cheek, and Diego’s stomach lurched as he recognized the combination of anxiety and mania in Five’s eyes. It was the expression he made when he was cornered, drinking in adrenaline— but Diego had never seen this particular fevered edge to it before. “Prolonged exposure to crisis and despair. Rattled my amygdala around like a rock in a tumbler.”

 _“Jesus,”_ Kara said.

“How’s the Commission been carrying on post-Handler?” Five said.

“There’s a new Handler,” Kara said. “One who’s a lot less nice.”

“That’s dismal,” Five said.

“Don’t,” Kara barked.

Five’s smile broadened. “Problems at HQ without her?”

“I’ll shoot him,” Kara said. Her hand was shaking. “I—”

“I spent decades of my life working for the Commission,” Five said. “And I was the best agent they had. You can’t possibly think you can beat me.”

“Things are different now,” Kara said.

“Oh, I imagine so,” Five said. “No Handler, no me.” He flexed his hand. “You know, I gave her ideas. She liked me because I pushed back, I gave good suggestions. The rest of you were too spineless— I can still hear the sound of all of you hunched away typing at your desks. Hiding behind the Handler’s skirts instead of looking her in the eye.”

Kara aimed the gun between Diego’s eyes.

Five’s smile curved. “You know what the Commission’s flaw is, Agent?”

Kara’s arm wavered.

“You’re too bound by the goddamn books,” Five said, and he made eye contact with Diego behind Kara’s back and winked convulsively.

Diego dropped to the floor. Kara made a noise of surprise. In the moment before she aimed the gun lower, Five lunged at her and kicked her hard in the back of the knees, pinning her to the ground in a flash— knocking the gun out of her hands and sending it skittering to the floor. Diego reached out and caught it and tossed it to Five. Five smiled, and then he held the gun to the back of Kara’s head.

“There we go,” he said. “Now let’s talk, shall we?”

Several things happened in the next forty minutes.

First, Kara surrendered. She let Diego and Five manhandle her into a chair and tie her down, and by their orders, she undid Five’s handcuffs.

Five examined the silver contraption as Diego used Five’s tie from the first night to bind her to the chair. “Where did you get these?”

“R&D,” Kara said. “The Handler started working on them the second you went rogue.”

“Earlier, I presume,” Five said. His face darkened, and he slipped the handcuffs into his pocket. “She liked me, but she never trusted me.”

“That already puts you ahead of the rest of us,” Kara said.

Next, Diego had a niggling suspicion to confirm.

“Give me your arm,” he said.

Kara worked her jaw, and then struggled against her bindings, holding out her bare wrist.

“Other one,” Diego said, picking up her left wrist and pushing back all the bracelets.

A green light blinked under her pale skin.

“I knew it,” Diego said. He pointed at the bracelets. “These are tacky as fuck.”

“No shit,” Kara said. “I wasn’t wearing them for the style.”

“I can’t believe I hit on you,” Diego said.

Kara smirked. “Really?”

“Don’t take it as a compliment,” Five said to her. “He flirts with anything that moves.”

Next, the negotiation. This was long and complex. Diego paced, picking his way through the wreckage of the hotel room as Five and Kara talked shop. Five held the gun casually in his hands. It was striking how naturally he carried the weapon. The sun dropped in the sky, dimming the light in the hotel room. Eventually, Five told Diego to hold Kara at gunpoint while Five dictated a message for her to write on the hotel stationery, and once they’d deemed it satisfactory, Five plucked the gun out of Diego’s hands and handed Kara the briefcase back.

“Go to them,” he said. “Don’t bother us again.”

“Understood,” Kara said sourly.

“Or any of our family,” Five said.

Kara rolled her eyes. “Copy.”

Five hesitated. “The Commission isn’t taking care of you,” he said. “I can assure you that they don’t care about you in the slightest. If you have any desire for self-preservation— I’m not talking morals here— I’d strongly advise that you do whatever you can to escape their utilitarian calculus.”

“Aww,” Kara said. “Someone got soft in the Apocalypse.”

Diego twitched. Five held up a hand to pacify him. “The Handler personally saved me from decades in a wasteland,” he said to Kara. “She treated me better than anyone ever had. You saw how much she liked me in a, ah, personal fashion. If there’s anyone who should have been loyal to the Commission, it’s me.”

“You care too much about your stupid family,” Kara said.

Five inhaled, and then exhaled. “I won’t deny that.”

“The world is bigger than you, _Number Five,”_ Kara said. “Your little Umbrella Academy? Your brothers and sisters? Yeah, it sucked that you got stuck in the Apocalypse for a couple years, but it’s not about you. The timeline is the timeline.”

 _“Que sera sera,”_ Five said.

“Yeah,” Kara said. “So get a grip."

“If you wanted out, I could help you,” Five said.

Diego stilled. 

Kara raised her eyebrows.

“I’m the only Commission agent who’s ever managed to truly escape,” Five said. “My family and I are more than capable of protecting you. And if you kept your briefcase… you’re clearly a competent woman. You could be doing more than this.”

“The timeline is the only thing that matters,” Kara said.

“No, it isn’t,” Five said. “Not their version of it.”

Kara tossed her hair out of her face. “I don’t need you to be fucking prissy at me. This is my job. This is what pays the bills. And besides, did I mention that it _matters?_ More than me. More than you. More than any little family.”

Diego saw Five’s jaw tighten, but only because he was looking for it.

“Then that’s your choice,” Five said. He handed her the briefcase. “Give HQ my note.”

Kara inclined her head.

“If you change your mind, you know how to contact me,” Five said.

Kara wrapped her fingers around the handle of the briefcase and vanished.

Finally, Five turned to Diego. 

His face looked aged. His wrists still bore the marks of the cuffs. The light in the room was heavy and fading, and he looked exhausted, wrung dry by the interrogation. He looked down at the gun in his hands, and then set it down on the desk.

“Hey,” Diego said, and he caught Five in his arms.

“Hey,” Five echoed back, staring up at him. He was shaking minutely. They both pretended not to notice. “That was— I—”

Diego leaned in and kissed him, stopping his mouth.

Five fell into his embrace, wrapping his arms around Diego’s neck and deepening the kiss. Diego went slack with relief. Some part of him had been drawn up tight, ready to snap away— but Five was kissing him back, holding Diego tight like he never wanted to let go.

Diego broke away.

Five looked up at him.

“You still can’t wink to save your life,” Diego murmured. “You suck at it.”

“Try thinking that through in a literal sense,” Five said.

Diego laughed. Relief coursed through him, and he kissed Five again, uncaring of their surroundings, and everything seemed like it was beginning to fall into place.

“How do we know that she’s going to go to HQ?” Diego said later, when they were in the shower.

“We don’t,” Five said.

“Christ,” Diego said.

Five closed his eyes. His face was deeply weary. His skin was smooth, uncanny, restored to young-adult perfection like all his years of hardship had paradoxically buffed him to an even shine. Diego couldn’t stop noticing how pretty he was, even now; up close, it was hard to ignore.

“It must bother you,” he said. “That she might get away.”

Five lifted one shoulder.

Diego reached out, tracing a pattern with his finger in the rivulets of water down Five’s chest. “What about your killer mushroom?”

“The largest organism on Earth?” Five said, opening his eyes and looking down at Diego’s finger. “I never had any hope of uprooting it all.”

“But you wanted to,” Diego said.

“I’ve wanted a lot of things,” Five said, still watching Diego’s hand.

Diego withdrew his hand. “Like what?”

“Preventing the apocalypse,” Five said.

“That turned out pretty well for you.”

Five smiled. “Give or take forty years.”

“I always forget you’re ancient,” Diego said, smiling.

Five flicked water in his face. “Fifty-eight is not _ancient.”_

“Old man,” Diego said. “Cradle-robber.”

“Yes, well, I’m apparently dating my brother now,” Five said. “My scandal threshold is fairly high.”

“That’s wild,” Diego said. “I’m actually dating my brother too, you know that?”

Five shook his head, hiding his smile under his wet hair.

“Is it a trauma thing?” Diego said. “That you don’t like being made fun of for your age?”

“It’s more of a basic manners thing,” Five said, reaching up for the shampoo.

“Oh, whatever, then,” Diego said. “Silver fox. So can we fuck tonight, or do you need me to go get some Viagra—”

“I’m going to find your own knife and cut you with it,” Five said.

Diego smiled, moving in and plucking the shampoo out of Five’s hands. He kissed Five’s forehead, and Five let out a breathy little sound.

“Don’t cut me,” Diego murmured. “You like me too much.”

“Do I?” Five murmured back, but he swayed, tipping forward into Diego as if drawn by a magnet. “Wash my hair.”

Diego uncapped the tiny bottle of shampoo and poured it into his hands, placing the bottle back on the shelf and working his fingers into Five’s hair. Five made a purr of satisfaction. Diego massaged Five’s scalp in silence for a moment, and then he filled his hands with water, rinsing him.

“For real,” he said quietly. “You’re okay that she might get away?”

“Yes,” Five said.

Diego pulled back, looking down into his eyes. “Really?”

Five nodded.

“That’s a new one,” Diego said. “My brother Five is willing to give up a chance at beating the Commission.”

 _“Give up_ is a hell of a word for it,” Five said. He ran his tongue over his lower lip. “I’ve been thinking about taking them down for years. I’ve thought about it every single day for the majority of my adult life. Even when I was working for them— I spent all my daylight hours figuring out how to help them, and all my nights lying awake and trying to figure out how I was going to take them down from the inside.” He rubbed his eyes. “The Handler has a talent for hiring people who don’t have anything to lose.”

“Jesus,” Diego said.

“You have no idea,” Five said quietly. “She goes into war zones. Stops time with a bullet an inch from your head. Shows you that there’s more than yourself, that you could give yourself to a higher purpose, that you’d get insurance and benefits for it… who would say no? So you say yes. And then she takes you to headquarters and shows you to your desk. You get a shower and a hot meal and clean clothes. And then she tells you that she wants you go out into the field, and for the first couple of missions, it feels novel. You feel chosen. And then you look around at everyone else, and they clearly feel chosen too, and then you fire a gun and someone hits the ground, and you kick the timeline back into place, and then it starts to feel routine. Another bullet, another body, another paycheck. You ask someone if there’s a less violent way to do it, but then the Handler invites you to a cordial lunch, and she touches your hand and gives you that smile and somehow you forget you ever asked. And then you aim your gun. And then you fire. And then one day you look around and you find yourself in the trenches, fighting in the same war that you would have died in anyway.”

Diego stared down at him, horrified.

“It’s the same goddamn thing every time,” Five said. He looked down. “Maybe you weren’t wrong to call her God.”

“That isn’t salvation,” Diego said. “Not like that.”

“I don’t believe in salvation,” Five said.

Diego picked up the conditioner.

“I believe in evil,” Five said. 

Diego poured conditioner into his hand, setting the bottle back on the shelf.

Five shifted. “Perhaps that sounds harsh.”

“A little,” Diego said.

“Empirically speaking,” Five said. “People act in their own self-interest. It’s much easier for me to play cat-and-mouse with wrongdoing than to believe… anyone else. Moral agendas are fallible. Everyone’s goodwill has a breaking point. Selfishness is the only thing I’m sure of.”

“Not everyone’s selfish,” Diego said. Eudora’s body, slack on the motel room floor.

“I am.”

Five was looking steadfastly at Diego’s chest. Diego ran his hand down Five’s spine, soothing, and Five tensed.

“You’re not,” Diego said. “You offered her a way out.”

“Maybe I just wanted to poach an agent away from the Commission,” Five said.

“You wanted to protect her,” Diego said. “You aren’t selfish, Five.”

“You really don’t know that,” Five said.

“You saved the world from the apocalypse,” Diego said quietly.

“Because I lived it,” Five said. “If I had stayed at the Academy, I wouldn’t have done shit.”

“But you didn’t stay at the Academy,” Diego said.

“But given the choice in retrospect,” Five said, “I would have.”

“You’re going in circles,” Diego said. “None of that’s real.”

“The things that don’t happen are just as real as the things that do,” Five said. He waved a hand. “Negative space. Shadows. Nightmares. Whatever you want to call it. I’ve thought a lot about hypotheticals and counterfactuals, Diego. They matter.”

“But they aren’t actually what happened,” Diego said. “Listen to yourself— you’re the one who’s always talking about empirical evidence, or whatever. You _know_ what happened.”

Five worked his jaw. “But I don’t know that I was right.”

“But you _are,”_ Diego said.

“Because I tell you I am,” Five said. “But you don’t know, Diego. Nobody knows. I’m the only one who knows, I can’t— you can’t possibly understand what it’s like. I’ve lived thirty years longer than the rest of you. I’ve seen things that would break you, and I’m not saying that for effect. People call me a prude, call me repressed, and sure, maybe I am. I’m never going to be Klaus, or Allison, or _you,_ someone who can kick back with a smile and run their mouth without worrying about what they’re saying— about what they’re thinking—”

“Five,” Diego said.

“I go over my work over and over again,” Five said, talking over him. “Calculations on the blackboard. I let it rest a week and pretend I’m coming back with fresh eyes, but it’s all me. And the amount of information… I’ve seen so much in my life that it spilled out of me and into a goddamn mannequin, Christ. My brain isn’t meant to hold everything I know, but it does anyway. I can’t let anyone in. I spent my entire life protecting you from the horror of the Apocalype, of time and space— why would I expose you to it now? And there’s no way to end it all. There’s no way to even begin. And the more I try, the worse it gets, and the worse it gets, the worse it gets, it compounds, I’ve done the math—”

“Five,” Diego murmured.

Five looked up at him, haunted.

“You’ve done enough, baby,” Diego said. He cupped Five’s face in his hands. “You’ve done enough.”

The first thing Diego registered when he woke up was the warmth.

Five’s body tucked perfectly against Diego’s. He was curled in a little ball, more vulnerable in sleep than he ever let anyone see in daylight. The blankets draped over them both, heavy and soft, and the air conditioner whirred near-silently in the corner.

The events of the last day returned slowly to Diego’s mind. Diego blinked up at the ceiling. Kara’s smile. Her tote bag. Her briefcase. Her gun, Five’s head, Five’s eyes. Five’s voice. Five’s body, smooth and agile. Diego’s heartbeat, pounding and pounding.

Five stirred, making a small, sleepy noise.

“Hey, baby,” Diego said softly.

“Ngh,” Five said, muffled in the pillow.

Diego smiled. “How’d you sleep?”

“Good,” Five mumbled.

“Good,” Diego said.

Five shifted, rolling over in Diego’s arms and looking up at him. “Were you worried?”

Diego shrugged. “Nah.”

“You were worried,” Five said.

“No reason to be worried,” Diego said.

“Yeah,” Five said. “But you worry even when there isn’t a reason.”

Diego pursed his lips.

Five ran his hand up under Diego’s tank top, tracing over Diego’s abs. “I’m not making fun of you for it.”

“It’s stupid,” Diego said, suppressing a shiver.

“I don’t think it’s stupid for you to be invested in me,” Five said, eyes fixed on Diego’s collarbones.

“That’s not what I meant,” Diego said. He settled his hand on his stomach, covering Five’s completely. “I know you can handle yourself.”

“I know that too,” Five said. “And there wasn’t any evidence for you to be worried.”

“But,” Diego said.

Five ran his tongue over his teeth. “But I don’t mind knowing there was someone thinking of me.”

“Are you kidding me?” Diego said.

“I know it’s irrational,” Five said. “But—”

“Of _course_ I was thinking of you,” Diego said. He looked into Five’s liquid brown eyes. “You think I’d ever forget it if you got into trouble? Shit, I still— I think about you all the time. When you got shot back when we were fixing the apocalypse for the first time and we found you. When you warped us out of the theater and passed out for eight straight days.” He swallowed. “When you left when we were kids.”

Five looked at him, stricken. “I…”

“We never forgot you,” Diego said.

“I wanted to come back,” Five said. His nails dug into Diego’s stomach. “Diego— you have to know that.”

“Yeah,” Diego said, squeezing Five’s hand. “Yeah, I swear I do.” He took a deep breath. “And you have to know that I think about you now a lot differently than I did when I was thirteen.”

“I know,” Five said. He shook his head, as if he couldn’t believe it. “I _know.”_

“Yeah?” Diego said.

Five pressed in, looking up at Diego with huge eyes. “I didn’t like having a bullshit cover boyfriend.”

“You never had a bullshit cover boyfriend,” Diego said.

“I don’t kiss people without meaning it,” Five said.

“Me neither,” Diego murmured.

Five looked at him, chewing his lip.

“You know you can smile at me, right?” Diego said.

Five looked away.

“Hey,” Diego said, laughing. He reached out and shook Five. “Hey, don’t get shy.”

“Don’t— that’s embarrassing,” Five said. “Don’t call me shy.”

“Then stop being shy,” Diego said. “C’mon, show me that dimple.”

 _“No,”_ Five said, biting his lip harder.

“What is possibly stopping you?” Diego said. “Give it to me. I want it.”

“You’re looking for it,” Five said. “And I know you’re looking for it.”

“You’re so full of shit,” Diego said, hauling him in closer. He moved in, pressing kisses over Five’s face. “I know your game. You think it’s gonna make you look bad if you let me see you be all cute or whatever, but you’re wrong.”

“Get off me,” Five said, ducking his head to hide his face. He hooked his leg around Diego and tugged him in closer.

Diego headbutted him. “Stop playing hard to get.”

“Stop being weird,” Five said, tipping his face up.

Diego pinched him. Five made a squeak of protest. Then his face creased in a smile, bright and infectious, and Diego dove in, kissing him all over.

“You know what’s a vacation staple we haven’t done yet?” Diego said, his hand steadily creeping up Five’s thigh.

“What,” Five said, narrowing his eyes. “Relaxation?”

“I was relaxed at the beach,” Diego said. “Kinda. We don’t need to get into that. Keep guessing.”

“Happiness?” Five said. “Funnel cake? We actually haven’t done most of the vacation staples.”

“Lazy morning sex,” Diego said, moving his lips down to kiss his neck.

Five made a little noise. “You—”

“C’mon,” Diego said, lips moving against his skin. “Let yourself have this. Let go, baby.”

“Oh,” Five said. His body relaxed a little, melting under Diego’s touch. “Well— this is… nice.”

“That’s one word for it,” Diego said. “Fuck, you’re so pretty. Just wanna eat you up whenever I see you.”

“You’re being weird,” Five said breathily.

“I’m gonna be honest, I wanna raw you,” Diego said. “Someday I’m gonna do you fast and hard, get you so worked up you can’t play cool. But right now, I want to take it slow.” He kissed Five’s jaw, lingering. “Nnh, yeah. Just like this.”

“Diego,” Five said. His fingers twisted in Diego’s shirt. “ _Diego.”_

“Uh huh?” Diego said, grazing him with his teeth.

Five shifted. “Don’t stop,” he said. “But I’m… not good at this. Not like you.”

“What do you mean?” Diego said, pulling back.

“Like I told you,” Five said. He looked up at Diego,. “I’ve had sex before, but it’s never been— I’ve never had my mind blown by it.”

Diego paused. “Not even on all the private islands in your Armani suits?”

“Like I told you,” Five repeated. He looked down at his hands fisted in Diego’s shirt. “I need there to be… more.”

“But you want it,” Diego checked.

“Of course I fucking want it,” Five said. “I mean, Christ, look at you, you’re a page out of a pinup calendar. But I— you—” He swallowed. “You’re different.”

“Oh,” Diego said.

Five closed his eyes, and then he opened them. His eyes were dark. “Whatever I was missing… you have it.”

“Oh,” Diego said, quieter. He brought up his hand, cradling Five’s cheek, thumb brushing over his cheekbone.

Five held perfectly still, staring up at Diego, breath caught.

Diego leaned in and kissed him, fitting their mouths together. When Five broke away to breathe, Diego leaned in, pressing their foreheads together.

“I like you,” he murmured. “Think that might be the thing?”

“Plenty of people have liked me,” Five whispered. His face was bright; incandescent compared to his usual mask. “The difference is, I think I like you too.”

“You think,” Diego said, and he dragged him in for another kiss, harder and hungrier. 

Five swung his leg over Diego, pressing as close to Diego as he possibly could, and Diego groaned. _“Fuck,”_ he said. He ground against him a little, letting Five feel the press of his erection.

Five inhaled. “Christ,” he said. “You’re, ah…”

Diego smirked. “What?”

“Ugh, don’t make me say it,” Five said.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Diego said, widening his eyes.

Five flicked him. “I can feel how big your dick is,” he said. “And maybe— _maybe—_ I like it. But don’t take this as invitation to—”

“You want it in you, baby boy?” Diego said, pressing forward. “You’re gonna take it so pretty, I promise you’ll be able to fit it—”

“Praise redacted, Jesus Christ,” Five said. “Perhaps I actually prefer them smaller.”

“You said you liked it,” Diego said.

“Maybe I lied to you,” Five said. He gestured down. “Perhaps I only give the time of day to dicks that are under— however many inches that thing is.”

Diego muttered something.

Five’s eyes flew wide open. “You _measured?”_

“You asked,” Diego said.

“I assure you I did not,” Five said, but a smile was tugging at his lips. He pulled Diego in by the shirt for an open-mouthed kiss. “To the half-inch, even. God, it’s unfortunate that douchebro overconfidence is so sexy on you. Someone needs to rein you in.”

“You think?” Diego said.

“But it’s not going to be me,” Five said. He looked up at Diego with a gleam in his eye, and he reached down and squeezed Diego’s dick.

Diego groaned. “Fuck, yes, I knew you didn’t have a complex about it.” He ground against him, hardening in earnest—

Five caught his shoulder. “Did you bring lube?”

“Shit,” Diego said, drawing back.

Five punched him. “Got my hopes up,” he said. “When we get back…”

“Blank check,” Diego said.

“I don’t think you can say _blank check_ for one specific thing, Diego,” Five said.

“Blank check for getting fucked,” Diego amended.

“Which is one specific thing,” Five said.

“It can be more than one thing,” Diego said. His hand wandered to Five’s ass, squeezing and feeling. “You could ride me. I could pound you into the mattress. I could bend you right over your desk in your bedroom at the Academy.”

Five’s breath caught a little. “That’s— not unappealing.”

“Could do you up against a wall,” Diego said.

“I’d be, ah, satisfied with that,” Five said.

“You need to work on your enthusiasm,” Diego said.

“You need to— nn,” Five said. He squirmed. “You’re such a…”

“A what?” Diego said, kneading his ass.

“Handsy fucker,” Five said. “Christ, Diego.”

“Do you seriously count this as scandalous?” Diego said.

“I wish you’d be more fucking scandalous,” Five said. “Are you going to get me off before noon, or keep squeezing my ass like a goddamn stress ball?”

“It is hilarious that this is what embarrasses you,” Diego said.

Five scowled. “It doesn’t embarrass me,” he said. He reached out and groped Diego’s hard cock. “I’m surprised that you’re not feeling a little more urgent, is all.”

“Let me jerk you off,” Diego said, hand making its way to the front of Five’s pants. “Truly lazy morning sex.”

“I’m not complaining,” Five said. He ground against him, holding onto Diego’s arm for leverage. “Honestly, I could probably get off just by— rubbing against you.”

“No,” Diego said, and he reached into Five’s pants and pulled out his cock, wrapping his fingers around it and tugging.

Five gave a shuddering gasp. He arched into Diego’s touch, cock twitching in Diego’s broad hand, and he reached for Diego’s bicep, holding on tight. “That’s good,” he said. “Don’t fucking stop.”

“Wasn’t going to, pretty babe,” Diego said. He stroked him languid and slow, watching Five’s face, feeling the way his breath hitched and his body tightened with every pull. He leaned in and kissed Five’s cheek. “You look so good like this, you know that?”

“No, you,” Five said. He writhed. “C’n you go faster?”

Diego slowed down his strokes. “Why?”

Five kicked him. “Don’t be— facetious. Make me _come.”_

“Anyone ever tell you how needy you are?” Diego said, grinning. He brought his hand up to his lips and licked his palm, laving his tongue over his own fingers and keeping eye contact with Five. Five whined, eyes tracking Diego ravenously, and Diego slowed down, laving his tongue over every finger.

“Tease,” Five said, wriggling.

“Only ‘cause you’re pretty enough to savor,” Diego said. He slipped his hand down, wrapping his hand around Five’s dick under his clothes.

Five let out a punched-out sound. “ _Diego,”_ he said, and he arched his hips into Diego’s hand, needy, setting a rhythm.

“Christ, I wanted this,” Diego murmured. “Every time I saw you. Every time your bathrobe slipped down a little—”

“Perv,” Five said breathily.

Diego flipped him off with his free hand. “And on the _beach.”_ He reached for Five’s arm, and he laid an open-mouthed kiss over the scar from the tracker. “When you got all possessive.”

“I warned you I’m like that,” Five said.

“It’s _hot,”_ Diego said. He twisted his wrist, and Five gasped. “Someday I’m gonna let you get possessive on me for real. Gonna let you— lay me out, show me exactly how much I belong to you—”

“Would you let me fuck you?” Five said.

“Yeah,” Diego said. “Yeah, why not?” The blankets around them made him feel like he was floating, suspended in a space that consisted only of him and Five. “I’d let you do anything to me.” He squeezed Five’s dick.

“Good,” Five said. “I want to, ah, everything…” He canted his hips up. “Am I supposed to— hold off from coming? Because I don’t feel inclined to, nn, practice self-restraint, _Diego…”_

“Don’t hold off,” Diego said. He stroked him tightly, efficiently. “First rule of lazy morning sex, right?”

“If you make a Fight Club reference,” Five said.

“No, the first rule of lazy morning sex is that there are no rules, because why would there be,” Diego said. He moved in, closing the gap between them and fitting his lips to Five’s, kissing him softly as he jerked him off. “C’mon. Come for me.”

Five made a soft noise. His whole body shuddered under Diego’s touch, and Diego felt him clench tight all over as he came, spilling over Diego’s fingers in a rush. “’S good,” he said, closing his eyes. “Yeah, like that.”

“Yeah,” Diego said, watching him with a little smile.

“Mm,” Five said, eyes still closed. “You’ve got a point with this whole lazy sex idea.”

Diego wiped his hand on Five’s shirt. “Yeah?”

“Jackass,” Five said, swatting at his hand.

“It was gonna go in the dirty laundry anyway, don’t get on me about it,” Diego said.

“Yes,” Five said, “but—”

“Go back to talking about how good at sex I am,” Diego said.

Five laughed. “You’re very good at sex, Diego.”

“I invented lazy morning sex, actually,” Diego said. He prodded him. “Have some respect.”

“I respect you a lot,” Five said, stretching luxuriously.

Diego jabbed him in the ribs.

Five jabbed him back, harder. Diego gasped. “If you want something specific, ask for it.”

“You’re too vicious,” Diego said. “Someone’s gotta tame you.”

“I wonder who that could be,” Five said, smirking. Then he wriggled forward, shoving his hand down the front of Diego’s pants and groping for his hard dick. Diego’s breath caught, and his hands found Five’s body, clinging onto him tightly as he let Five wring his orgasm out of him, the two of them entwined in every way.

“We should go on a real vacation sometime,” Diego said, lying on his back on the bed.

Five looked up from where he was packing. “I don’t know if it counts as a vacation if neither of us has jobs.”

“I have a job,” Diego said.

“Why?” Five said. “Live off your inheritance.”

“Fuck no,” Diego said.

“You’re turning down cash,” Five said.

Diego cracked his knuckles, examining his hands up in the air. “I don’t want to live on Dad’s dime.”

There was a brief silence.

“You’re going to say something weird and tone-deaf about money,” Diego said. “I can sense it.”

“You could live on my dime,” Five said.

“Called it,” Diego said, holding up one finger. “And, fuck no.”

Five made a noise. “Why not?”

“I’m self-made,” Diego said. “Plus, I like having a job. Somewhere to go every day. Something to accomplish.”

“Something to pay the bills while you go out searching for crime at night, you mean?”

Diego heaved a sigh.

Five climbed up on the bed and lay down next to Diego. “You could take it easier on yourself, you know.”

“Hypocrite,” Diego said.

“It’s good advice even if I don’t take it myself,” Five said.

“I’d rather you take it for yourself,” Diego said. He wrapped his arm around Five and dragged him in. “I’ve only got one brother that I like.”

“That isn’t true,” Five said.

Diego smiled. “I’ve only got one brother who’s hot.”

“Debatable,” Five said.

“I’ve only got one brother who’s got everything I want,” Diego said, looking up at the ceiling. “Who’s canny and sexy and funny as hell. Who steals the blankets. Who takes long showers and leaves the floor covered in water afterwards, even though it’s the kind of shower with a glass door. Who can’t wink.” He chewed on his lip. “Who I can trust to have my back, no matter what.”

There was a little silence. Then Five scooted up right next to Diego and laid his head on Diego’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” he said softly. “Me too.”

Diego turned his head. “So you probably want me to be at least a little more careful for you, huh?”

Five nodded. “I’m not telling you to… stop being a self-made man, or what have you. But—”

“But you wouldn’t mind if I cooled it on the crime-fighting?” Diego said. “Yeah. I know.”

“I know you know,” Five said.

Diego reached over and stroked Five’s hair. “How about you cool it on the beating up on yourself?”

Five sighed.

“I know,” Diego said, more quietly. He scratched Five’s scalp. “Like I said… you’ve done enough.”

“Which is why you think I deserve a vacation?” Five said.

“We,” Diego said. “I’m not letting you go off by yourself, fucker.”

“Well,” Five said. “Maybe I’d consider taking you with me.”

Diego looked up at the ceiling. “We work hard,” he said. “Even the one of us who’s living like a prince off inheritance money.”

“We work so goddamn hard,” Five said. He tipped his head against Diego’s hand. “You have a plan for our grand vacation?”

Diego looked over at him. Five was watching him with those big dark eyes. Diego smiled, and he touched Five’s lips.

“I think for once,” he said, “I’m gonna go with the flow.”

“Are we there yet?” Five said, watching the highway rush past the window.

“I know you’re asking to be funny,” Diego said. “But shut the fuck up.”

Five laughed. He threw the maps in the back seat. He reached over the console, his touch fond and familiar, and he twined his fingers through Diego’s.

**Author's Note:**

> [electra-xt](https://electra-xt.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr, taking prompts, come talk to me about TUA!


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